heart beats and youth

i wouldn't say tonight has been rough or demanding, but i can feel sadness draining into reality with each new thought i conjure up. life is so bitter sweet i can't stand it. i know the love story i have lived in is nothing like a sappy romance flick, but it did end with scrolling credits and me being pissed over the realization that my popcorn bowl is no longer full. companionship with you was a hard thing for me. not because of trust, or fear of heart break, or the annoying presence of meaningless arguing. just because i knew from day one you weren't the one. this is the first time in the history of Annie that i haven't wanted to bite back. im tired of tugging rope, and playing games, and watching the clock. because that's what we've been, clock work. it's funny how the silliest things can demand all of your time and attention. who the hell are you ruining besides yourself? i think that's one thing i will never be able to give up on. i've always got to keep myself busy by deteriorating whatever situation im in. i really hope this is a turning point for me. i think it will be. im not depressed, or lonely. im not drowning in pity or getting the usual "knife to the heart" feeling that has been dominant in situations like this before. i want to be strong, and independent, and wise. i want to walk away from every minute i have had with you, and know that someday down the road, you'll think of me and wonder what brilliant things are on my schedule that week. it's sad how two souls can become so connected, and then be pulled apart. i know i can't have my cake and eat it too, but i would love to call you a friend sometime in the future. tomorrow morning ill wake up and shower, pull on the jeans i have planned on wearing, and leave the house. i'll climb in the car, put the key in the ignition, and let country music fill my ears. you'll probably cross my mind as i drive pass places that remind me of you. where we had our first kiss, the place i first got drunk with you, and the hill i walked up to get to your house. you'll cross my mind because you are a hard drive full of memories to me. you'll cross my mind because i can't remember how your hug feels. you'll cross my mind because you are a person who filled in the gaps for two years, and a person i was willing to be vunerable around. you'll cross my mind because you were my bestfriend, but not because we were meant to end up together. im not much of a popcorn fan, but when it comes to a movie that revolves around love, the salty sting that comes with each handful is a must.