refreshing.

It's not until the snow covers every inch of the ground, when the white frosted rooftops melt into the sky, that I really feel my own smallness. The darkness does it too, filling my head and my heart with hopefulness just as pure. And when the black night and the white season come together our night is silent. Just as it is supposed to be. We change and grow and learn and prosper, always returning to the silent nights of winter. Within my smallness, a year dies and a tomorrow is born. Within my smallness, I gravitate back towards the loving embrace of life and faith and sorrow and charity. It is here where I find solitude when the winds blow. Never bending or breaking when the seasons change, for another winter lies ahead.

the dancer.

Her pose is far more complex than the eye can see, lovely with her illuminated edges. She poses to find meaning in the days she can't remember. Silently, she waits, collecting already collected things. Her pose was carefully crafted. Though she is familiar with the maker she is not always at ease with the making. Creaky bones and lovely steps bring light to the fall mourning, her past collides with her present. She finds herself within the pose - her shadow cast - as the stale breathing of yesterday fails to find it's rhythm. She basks there, harmonious in her own light.. beautifully unaware that she is a monumental piece amongst the winds of our creation.

creeker.

Who can tell me more? I keep running into a thousand thoughts without end and ends without thought. I hurt you when you're close and when you're far, tell me why there is distance? Beautiful things are before us - i forgot to live for today. The airy insides of my mind are scorned and appreciated and I'm sure we will all climb out of it okay. Answers continue to be lost somewhere but ill leave someone else to do the searching. Some want knowledge and others are fine to see and believe. Watch them, as they go towards better things. We'll stay still and be here for now. I think that's okay, as long as we make time for the chirping of the birds everyday. If you leave too, I will stay. These birds need me around for a little while longer. So go if you must, the birds and I will stay. Do you remember the trickle of the stream I used to play in? It was my stream and it gave me whirlwind thoughts. It gave me whirlwind things. Memories in the cabin by the stream. And by the lake and the trees and the birds. The birds again, with voices harsher this time but with words just as meaningful. Who can tell me more? Maybe we are fine and maybe we are not. Maybe it's bad that I am brave enough to care. Maybe it is good. Either way, the thoughts are my own and so is the end.

calm waters.

I am astounded by the pretty lights this week. Darkness has crept in but i know the flowers will bloom, thanks to the lights. It's all here. We're all here. And how lucky we are to have the lights and the flowers and you. On the opposite side of it all, I stand confused. You're lost too, amongst all the beautiful and terrifying sights. Air in our lungs kind of stuff. Like beetles and fresh sheets and heartbreak. We don't know anything at all and we love pretending like we do. If we link arms now it should all be okay. Gravity pulls us apart but I'm sure there was something to keep it all together at one point, too. Everything is going faster now, grown up boy. Grown up girl. And like the stories of tomorrow, I send on precious thoughts and keep you as my own in pockets of the past. Me and I and her and him hear beyond the black and white. I'm in love with many things and some of them are you. Will you gently kiss my forehead? Will you agree the sky is blue? Onward, as we reach for things greater than ourselves. The silence and the sound and the ringing. And how lucky we are to have the lights and the flowers and you.

sour patch.

I am really, genuinely having a shitty time moving on. I wake up, try and go about the day, and will eventually find myself asking millions of questions in my head. what did i do wrong? when did we start losing sight of things?

im waking up early tomorrow, grabbing a donut and some orange juice, and saying goodbye to someone new. i don't know where it's going, this "new" thing, but i do know that i am not in the swing of things when it comes to relationships. when it was you and me, things were easy due to comfort. we knew the right things to say, and what channel to turn it to, and how the other liked their eggs cooked. I could tell you where you kept your outgrown clothes, the type of tooth paste you used, and which type of snuggle you prefferred at any given time. And now i am here (a very unfamiliar place), walking into something new. hoping to god my new victim even likes donuts.
who the fuck am i kidding? everyone likes donuts..
I guess it's not about moving on from you, but more of finding myself without you. we grew up together through the moxt vital moments of being young adults. we shaped each other, shared good and bad moments, and fell in love. that's enough to slowly rip the life out of you before you've turned to walk away. but puppy love isn't something you can hold onto. Certainly not something you can build a life off of. the memories are good, and now my head is foggy. Im longing for our old, familiar life that has become a piece of my history. but im here now, and as this next chapter begins to unfold, im falling in love with it as well.
i got a tattoo exaclty one week ago. i love it. it makes me feel unique, young, and vibrant. mostly it makes me feel as though i am in control, and held back by only the decisions i chose to make.
i remember a lot of specifics among the roads i've traveled. I remember my dad teaching me how to use a walkie talkie at seaside, i hold onto the feeling i felt as Matt drove up my driveway coming back from the airport, and i can still see the wide spread of mud on my back after falling down your hill. the phrase "it's the little things" is so relevant in my life. i love looking back at an event and thinking about things that put a smile on my face. im hoping a donut gets me somewhere...maybe a sweet little grin cutting across his cheeks. im not sure what else to say, how to part, or where to leave things. Im off again, just like that. leaving the adventures of new scenery behind.
i started with you, and ended with me. typical right? i would excuse myself, but i have decided being single allows for acting selfish. im just ready to focus on myslef and let this be a learning experience. i think we stand in a weird place for a few reasons, but mainly because we both know letting go is vital, but nearly impossible all the while. i think that in a few years we'll wind up on the same path, maybe sit down for coffee and laugh about our awkard teen sex life or something. who knows. I hope that does happen though, because i'd like to see where life takes you. i'd like to know if you still get infatuated with thoughts of the illuminati, or if your dream to keep that old 4runner for the rest of your life is still locked up tight in your heart. I will always appreciate you, cherish you, and love you. I know that the same is true on your end. if you're reading this, thank you. for being part of my past, a thought in the present, and a memory in the future.

daylight.

I almost called you last night to explain myself and defend my inner workings. i was ranting to Lauren about it all, and she said just don't. Stop responding, stop giving him ground to judge you upon.

it was in that moment that i decided to completely stop giving a fuck. Not because my words would be meaningless to you in an explanation, but because i had finally realized that every word out of your mouth has been completely meaningless to me. if you care to label me as anything, please know that your lucid ideas of me are so far off i could scream. So please, don't act as though you've scratched the surface of my genuine self in the past three months. i've reserved myself from you to stay safe from judgement. who knew you would be able to effect me without being let in?
The one defining moment of our relationship was two years ago. You always hate when i bring this moment up, you actually deny everything about it. But whether or not you chose to believe it, this has easily been the most traumatizing moment in my life. It was the first time i was verbally abused, broken, and left to feel meaningless. Due to your selfish thoughts about the changes i made in my life, you chose to say words that have and will remain scared in me forever. I hate myself for not turning away from you at that moment, for not walking away with a bit of pride. Sometimes i think the anger i have in any situation with you is still rooted in that scene. Me running down my grandma's stairs to collapse in front of my dad, showing him the screen of my phone and the words you impractically delivered to me through a text. I hated you in that moment, but loved you so deeply at the same time that i lost all bearings and every ounce of my own selfworth.

we've finally hit the for real stage. we've danced through so many different stages in our relationship it's ridiculous. but finally the end is certain. im sick of explaining myself, rekindling anything with you is the last thing i want. the past three months of my life ive spent debating my own emotions, but everything is clear now. im happy with where we stand, far apart with a very dense in between.

i laugh about Prom a lot. If you only knew what each of my friends thought that night, you'd be so confused about me. I really did lead a different life in Olympia. one that had no insecurities, like the life i had with you. i was crazy, young, adventurous, and completely free of restrictions. I bitched the whole night about the hideous color of pink you chose for your tie. i didn't even want to go to prom, and i was stuck with a date wearing a pepto bismol tie. you didn't talk, you weren't a new adventure like my life had become, and sitting next to you only made my insecurities more prominent. i think i purposely blacked out that night to forget i wasn't where i wanted to be, or who i wanted to be with. Sorry if that's harsh. And sorry for making you pull over multiple times to let me puke. Oh and double sorry for not filtering myself about all of this. don't stalk my blog if you don't want the honest to god truth, it's the only thing im good at lately.

i guess im a bit upset over the past three years? definitely so. if you're curious about the break up right before college, just know it was to save myself from any more personal confinement. im ready to be my own person. you should also know im done ranting. i just needed this, it felt good. happy wednesday to whoever's happy eyes glance upon my words today (: don't let love get the best of you.

discounts and savings.

If someone were to ask for a list of advice from me regarding love and relationships, my first thought would be "never underestimate your first heartbreak". I was caught in an idea, definitely not in love, and to this day i find myself momentarily tangled in old thoughts of you. You told me you loved me last night. And for the first time in my history with you, i was confident in the words that rolled of of your tongue. I know you love me, even if months linger between our conversations, and other relationships override our ability to lust among ideas of each other. We wake up in the same bed, but know little about the make up of the other. I don't doubt your ability to tell me a thing or two about myself. Maybe that i don't handle my liquor well, or that my bed head is something good to laugh at. I vented to an old friend today about you. Luckily she has insight to both of our worlds. She thinks it's real too, this "love thing". I hope she's right. She asked what i wanted out of all of these words and tipsy thoughts. To be honest, i didn't know at first. With a little digging on her end and honesty on mine, my thoughts finally started to reflect rhythm of my heart. I don't want you at this moment, in the same way you don't want me. Something we share is good, maybe even vital to the way i see myself. You took a piece of me, and with it stole some of my heart. But the only thing i want is your subconscious attention, your late night thoughts, and those three words you shared with me. In this moment i want your love, but maybe not all of it. Just enough to get me out of bed in the morning. And yes, i wish you were here. But i think we both know we are far too much alike to want anything tying us down, holding us back, taming our youth. Seeing myself in your life isn't easy. I know too damn well that your intentions with me are selfish, scenarios wrapped in secrecy and sprinkled with control. In some ways, my want for you is similar. The only difference is that you will forever be apart of my life. A memory, a moment, a milestone... one much more mine than yours. I'm sorry if i have this all wrong. And in some ways i'm sorry if i have it all right. I guess my biggest regret is not replying in a moment when you spoke, and for the first time ever held yourself in a position of vulnerability. I hope you know my nonexistent response meant more than any combination of words could. I love you, too.

chalkboard life.

I believe in few things. I am the type to constantly ask questions, constantly search, start over, expand, and let previous ideas die. I think life is beautiful for that reason. The mind is one thing that is 100% personal. Whether you let your own seedlings prosper there, or aqquire the gardens of others, you yourself harvest the fruit of thought in the end. Though I take pride in being my own person, and stand apart for never truly committing to any one idea, I have found that i am a product of others and have one strong idea regarding the creation of myself in such a vast arena. Someone once told me that though uniquely everyone is their own person, they are the combination of five major influences. People, religions, daily ritual, objects, or experiences may be responsible. All of one, or one of all may be responsible. This idea was something that truly grabbed at me. I needed to know who i was, outside of myself. Who and what were the influences that inspired me to live today in the manner that i did? I'm trying to inspire something in myself. Maybe gratitude? Maybe reflection? Maybe change? I'm at neither a good or bad point in life. Confused may be the easiest label. And though i sit here anxious as ever, i am in no way ready to figure things out. Sometimes i think it's best for me to sit in the moment. Catch up with myself maybe? I am Annie, I am 18, and i have an incredibly miraculous life. I've got good people, lots of them. And i've ventured into the world on my own recently. I like being here, but it's scary too. Change is never solely a good thing. or a bad thing for that matter. I let go of a three year relationship about 120 days ago. I'm 120 days not over it, and that's okay with me. I constantly ask myself "What would Nick think of this?" or "If he gets a new girlfriend soon i won't give a shit." ....both of these thoughts meaning nothing and everything all at the same time. I guess this period of time is mentally where i should be. I was definitely in love, and though i may have fallen out of it, three years of history have me painfully hanging on to multiple realities. Like the fact that one day I won't be the center of his thoughts. Being loved is fun. But it is an obligation just as much. It's never clean, but undoubtedly the messiest of things. I am still deciding on whether or not love at 15 was good or bad. I may possibly be the first to lean towards the negative, for a young mind caught up in love does crazy things. Sometimes i did. I was uprooted at 16 from my hometown for reasons i hate. Things that definitely have left me bitter, even now. Sometimes i like to admit i came from a small town, where i cheered and my boyfriend played under bright lights every friday night. Other times i remember the conservative stereotypes and poison lives so many people lived. I lived a life like that too in some ways. One of my biggest regrets of this situation was not being bold. I held back, let go, and gave up in so many ways. I was young, and it is easy to use that as a way out. I was also hurt, and let the bruises of reality consume much more of myself than i wanted them to. I have never been in a motivational situation in which i had "fought back" to prove myself or belonging. I can honestly say that after moving away from Grays Harbor, i woke up everyday searching for anyway to be a completely new person. Since this point in my life, i have never looked for a way to fit in with my past, but i have fought viciously for a feeling of separation. I have yet to find a middle ground, for i would much rather unassociate myself then to ever hang on to that piece of my past. College has struck, fast hard and out of the blue. This is one stage of my life i will forever be in love with, because more than ever in the past three months i have found Annie. And i think i like her a bit. I've told a few people that college teaches you a lot about yourself for mainly two reasons; you live on your own and suddenly hold responsibility over small things you might not have noticed before, like dirty socks and deadlines not handed to you on a silver platter. You also find people. And unlike high school, you're friends with these people for complex reasons. You fit into there life, and they fit into yours. Though i have about five people from my younger years that i will forever be connected to, i have realized the insignifigance of relationships in youth. As a kid, friends are the people you play with. People connected to you through similar interests and hobbies. As a teen, friends are the people you can most easily relate to, the ones you can semi rely on for keeping a secret. Here, now in life, my friends are people who i genuinely want forever by my side. They are people who express interest, demand more from you, and keep you feeling alive and loved. College is fun because of the parties, the crazy schedules, and the ability to live in the moment. But so far my favorite things about college have been Shea, Michaela, Katie, Haley, and Kait. My girls. Leaving home was not hard for me then. I was ready to adventure. But now, i get a bit homesick daily. Not because i miss my bed, or Olympia, or friends (all things that i do miss), but more so because i have realized how absolutely perfect my family is. I could go on and on about how crazy the outskirts of my family are, but im not talking about those people. I'm talking about the three most important, influencial, and loving people in my life. We've been through a lot. A lot. Much more than i ever imagined as a child. I will be the first one to admit that high school was a rough time for me, strictly based off of family matters. But getting through those things were the best of times. I now hold the general love for my parents and brother that was initially there in childhood, but also a more genuine piece. A piece that truly allows me to say "i have the best, strongest, most caring and kick ass family ever" and not doubt it in the slightest. These three our powerful, intelligent, and loving. And i still can't figure out how i ended up with them as my own. Figuring out life is hard. Actually impossible, because doing such a thing can't be done. You can step back and evaluate yourself. Where you came from, your present situation, and how you got into such a beautiful mess. Hold true to your mind and yourself. Believe in good, and recognize bad. More than anything believe in something, but only if it holds true to the tune your heart sings.

a hazy sky.

when you're young, life truly is the most amazing form of self expression. words are emitted from the heart, and spoken with truth and a genuine driving force. nothing is "pre" anything. no thought out plans, no ultimatums, no foolish games. living in a world that was so uniquely your own had to have been the sweetest collaboration of existence. living with such vigor that your only fears came about in the dark. i want all of this back. not to rest easy or to turn back time. i just need to regain all of my unprocessed sense of self. it's easy to let go in a world with an impossible set of directions. there are a million different endings to, "when life gives you lemons...", so we drown desperately in confusion over the cautions of others. let go, be free, find youth, explore. but where can one bloom in a garden that is no longer cultivated regularly? mechanical structures, industrialized heartstrings, and snoozed alarms are continuously drowning out the path of my passions. caught up. so extremely caught up in everything around me, and all i want is youth. so i look up and notice that though the world around me seems hectic and off balance, there is still sun shining down on me through a hazy sky. life is simple if you stop thinking for awhile. just long enough to notice that the grass is still green, sugar is still sweet, and living through your heart is still the only way to find your content self. when i go to bed tonight, im going to find a few seconds to be afraid of whatever is under my bed. and when i awake tomorrow morning, i will speak only the raw genuine words that my delicate heart conjures up.

heart beats and youth

i wouldn't say tonight has been rough or demanding, but i can feel sadness draining into reality with each new thought i conjure up. life is so bitter sweet i can't stand it. i know the love story i have lived in is nothing like a sappy romance flick, but it did end with scrolling credits and me being pissed over the realization that my popcorn bowl is no longer full. companionship with you was a hard thing for me. not because of trust, or fear of heart break, or the annoying presence of meaningless arguing. just because i knew from day one you weren't the one. this is the first time in the history of Annie that i haven't wanted to bite back. im tired of tugging rope, and playing games, and watching the clock. because that's what we've been, clock work. it's funny how the silliest things can demand all of your time and attention. who the hell are you ruining besides yourself? i think that's one thing i will never be able to give up on. i've always got to keep myself busy by deteriorating whatever situation im in. i really hope this is a turning point for me. i think it will be. im not depressed, or lonely. im not drowning in pity or getting the usual "knife to the heart" feeling that has been dominant in situations like this before. i want to be strong, and independent, and wise. i want to walk away from every minute i have had with you, and know that someday down the road, you'll think of me and wonder what brilliant things are on my schedule that week. it's sad how two souls can become so connected, and then be pulled apart. i know i can't have my cake and eat it too, but i would love to call you a friend sometime in the future. tomorrow morning ill wake up and shower, pull on the jeans i have planned on wearing, and leave the house. i'll climb in the car, put the key in the ignition, and let country music fill my ears. you'll probably cross my mind as i drive pass places that remind me of you. where we had our first kiss, the place i first got drunk with you, and the hill i walked up to get to your house. you'll cross my mind because you are a hard drive full of memories to me. you'll cross my mind because i can't remember how your hug feels. you'll cross my mind because you are a person who filled in the gaps for two years, and a person i was willing to be vunerable around. you'll cross my mind because you were my bestfriend, but not because we were meant to end up together. im not much of a popcorn fan, but when it comes to a movie that revolves around love, the salty sting that comes with each handful is a must.

gypsys and such, something lost.

it's true. emotions and confusions have overtaken such a large part of who i am. it's now like a game, one im playing with myself. constantly i am beat and discriminated against. ill put words upon the lips of others in order to finalize the thouhgts i submit to my own self awareness. lost in a sea of myself and looking at a shore that is unreal, an illusion. the feeling of your wooden planks beneath me was the only happy thought i had. now i have determined that your presence is not my boat, for the love we've built may be more of an unrealistic landscape than the shore itself. instead of restlessly paddling in a direction i don't want to go, i will just float. im not sinking nor am i in a rush to get anywhere. the sun is high and my mind is young.


if your heart isn't completely engaged in the ideas you run with, you must let go.


i think i want myself to believe that life is easy and i have things figured out. but when i sit here and see the life of my teens years shorten, i notice my heart start to beat faster and jump a little bit. i am so unforgiving when it comes to the daily stress i add into my schedule, yet i continue to let myself miss out and get hurt.
im not sure how i can let go, because this stress has almost become a dependency for me. a feeling i am too familiar with. a drug, that gives my mind fancy illusions to get lost in.

id like to be somewhere else, and that is why im here. im at a place in time, life, and love that has lead me to realize a new "here". im ready to blast off, let go, move on, and in some strange sense...hold on.



stability is something you provide for yourself. in this life, finding myself has been a struggle. to believe, one must find strength. i can't keep looking for that in others for i slowly find myself becoming much more weak. today has been a gift, one with struggle and resentment, but also breath and energy.

im ready to move forward, and hold on. to find enlightenment i must find myself.
ill start by finding a midnight snack (one that suits my soul of course).

nothing more to say.

i feel very confident in typing tonight, because i know your "loving" eyes will never embrace this text. they wont desire to be here, for other views are much more lovely.
you have made yourself into a new gentleman, something i do admire.
but such a drastic change is one i don't care to rely on, or trust. i've been here a million times. this time does feel a bit different but i refuse to take that feeling and fly with it. my hearts too fragile to take flight these days.


oh yes, the sweet taste of revenge has washed out the bitterness you recently left me with. kinda sucks being where i was, doesn't it? this is my mean side coming out. and for once, i feel perfectly okay being slightly evil. you left me cleaning up too many messes over the past eight months and im refusing to be Cinderella.
it's funny how you manipulated so much of me without slipping up. you were consistent, practiced, and close to a perfectionist.

unfortunately, royalty doesn't always leave you sitting in the king's throne. if you don't appreciate all of the rubies on your queens crown, someone else will soon gaze upon the sparkling beauty.


you know i love you. because without a doubt, my heart is yours. but i sure do hope you're willing to play the long drawn out game you have so secretively played with me. i won't be nearly as mean as you, but i will make sure the odds are ALWAYS in my favor.

i've got a nice ass, white teeth, and a personality that blows your plan b bimbos out of the water. respect me, because otherwise ill leave you with an unfortunate reality.
and your friends lies might just become the truth.

darks and lights and sparkles.

if anything, i'd love to be a princess. you can forget the pinks, pearls, and fluffy gowns. i just want to be your simple treasure, something kept on the top shelf.
you'll look at me everyday and say, "i love her". i might be millions of gas tanks away, but high on your shelf my memory will sit, with a delicate piece of my heart.


it's crazy where i am right now. not here, nor there. im alive to the fullest measure but i can't say with an honest word that i am myself.
i dream, and laugh, and play, and dance. but in a way even you would not recognize. from a distance, my energy sends bright remarks. climb into my lifeline and you would discover something a little different.
i still play with the thought of you, because love is a game of curiosity.
but i know your heart is in a foreign place now.
well, maybe not foreign, but i certainly haven't found it knocking at MY door.


do you think about the ocean when the snow falls in december? does a candle ever catch your eye in the daytime? never. but misplacing love is something you will forever be unable to ignore. a slash through hope, faith, and then an indescribable feeling that hurts so bad your thoughts do not move.
im wondering now who has a hold of the knife, for my eyes cannot see.
my fingers lay with no feeling, too. but they're there, because somehow i am holding a needle and thread.
"if i could somehow find a way into my chest", my mind thinks.
"if i could somehow find a way out of this body" says my heart.




the view is pretty great up here, but it's nothing spectacular. i'd rather be holding your hand, feeling your kiss, or whispering in your ear.

i'll settle for the shelf.
but since i've given up the pearls and gowns, i definitely deserve a tiara.

a fine disease.

have you ever cared for something so deeply, that the words surrounding your desire are unattainable? not in reach of the human tongue, for something so precious has no words. my heart has been outlined in a deep red. something so beautiful and wreckless.
lives completed and destroyed, by the simplicity of three words.

i hate to call it love, because it's more than that. a raw, delicate, and vibrant way of seeing the world. i can't tell you how i feel, or what makes my mind revolve the way it does. but i can tell you that my chest is full of a feeling i wish to consume for the rest of my days. a perfect disease, im forever yours.



today was really good. long, in some sense. and a bit tiring, but overall it's been another sunny day. i've finally found a way to appreciate the dew on my car in the morning. i guess driving to starbucks for an americano does that to you...kinda helps you forget about the underlying negatives.
i hope you're aware that you have me by the heart strings.
days don't feel bad, when i have you.
life is easy, and my smile is bright.

this hope hasn't arrived in a nicely wrapped box. it's been a rough journey for me, appreciating each lesson learned definitely makes it worthwhile though. im happy you have finally made some realization of your feelings towards me, but im not happy it took my bitching to get you there. i hope your lies show truth, and my doubts prove false.

i feel perfect. alive, perplexed, and full. im in love with you, and that is happiness.