chalkboard life.

I believe in few things. I am the type to constantly ask questions, constantly search, start over, expand, and let previous ideas die. I think life is beautiful for that reason. The mind is one thing that is 100% personal. Whether you let your own seedlings prosper there, or aqquire the gardens of others, you yourself harvest the fruit of thought in the end. Though I take pride in being my own person, and stand apart for never truly committing to any one idea, I have found that i am a product of others and have one strong idea regarding the creation of myself in such a vast arena. Someone once told me that though uniquely everyone is their own person, they are the combination of five major influences. People, religions, daily ritual, objects, or experiences may be responsible. All of one, or one of all may be responsible. This idea was something that truly grabbed at me. I needed to know who i was, outside of myself. Who and what were the influences that inspired me to live today in the manner that i did? I'm trying to inspire something in myself. Maybe gratitude? Maybe reflection? Maybe change? I'm at neither a good or bad point in life. Confused may be the easiest label. And though i sit here anxious as ever, i am in no way ready to figure things out. Sometimes i think it's best for me to sit in the moment. Catch up with myself maybe? I am Annie, I am 18, and i have an incredibly miraculous life. I've got good people, lots of them. And i've ventured into the world on my own recently. I like being here, but it's scary too. Change is never solely a good thing. or a bad thing for that matter. I let go of a three year relationship about 120 days ago. I'm 120 days not over it, and that's okay with me. I constantly ask myself "What would Nick think of this?" or "If he gets a new girlfriend soon i won't give a shit." ....both of these thoughts meaning nothing and everything all at the same time. I guess this period of time is mentally where i should be. I was definitely in love, and though i may have fallen out of it, three years of history have me painfully hanging on to multiple realities. Like the fact that one day I won't be the center of his thoughts. Being loved is fun. But it is an obligation just as much. It's never clean, but undoubtedly the messiest of things. I am still deciding on whether or not love at 15 was good or bad. I may possibly be the first to lean towards the negative, for a young mind caught up in love does crazy things. Sometimes i did. I was uprooted at 16 from my hometown for reasons i hate. Things that definitely have left me bitter, even now. Sometimes i like to admit i came from a small town, where i cheered and my boyfriend played under bright lights every friday night. Other times i remember the conservative stereotypes and poison lives so many people lived. I lived a life like that too in some ways. One of my biggest regrets of this situation was not being bold. I held back, let go, and gave up in so many ways. I was young, and it is easy to use that as a way out. I was also hurt, and let the bruises of reality consume much more of myself than i wanted them to. I have never been in a motivational situation in which i had "fought back" to prove myself or belonging. I can honestly say that after moving away from Grays Harbor, i woke up everyday searching for anyway to be a completely new person. Since this point in my life, i have never looked for a way to fit in with my past, but i have fought viciously for a feeling of separation. I have yet to find a middle ground, for i would much rather unassociate myself then to ever hang on to that piece of my past. College has struck, fast hard and out of the blue. This is one stage of my life i will forever be in love with, because more than ever in the past three months i have found Annie. And i think i like her a bit. I've told a few people that college teaches you a lot about yourself for mainly two reasons; you live on your own and suddenly hold responsibility over small things you might not have noticed before, like dirty socks and deadlines not handed to you on a silver platter. You also find people. And unlike high school, you're friends with these people for complex reasons. You fit into there life, and they fit into yours. Though i have about five people from my younger years that i will forever be connected to, i have realized the insignifigance of relationships in youth. As a kid, friends are the people you play with. People connected to you through similar interests and hobbies. As a teen, friends are the people you can most easily relate to, the ones you can semi rely on for keeping a secret. Here, now in life, my friends are people who i genuinely want forever by my side. They are people who express interest, demand more from you, and keep you feeling alive and loved. College is fun because of the parties, the crazy schedules, and the ability to live in the moment. But so far my favorite things about college have been Shea, Michaela, Katie, Haley, and Kait. My girls. Leaving home was not hard for me then. I was ready to adventure. But now, i get a bit homesick daily. Not because i miss my bed, or Olympia, or friends (all things that i do miss), but more so because i have realized how absolutely perfect my family is. I could go on and on about how crazy the outskirts of my family are, but im not talking about those people. I'm talking about the three most important, influencial, and loving people in my life. We've been through a lot. A lot. Much more than i ever imagined as a child. I will be the first one to admit that high school was a rough time for me, strictly based off of family matters. But getting through those things were the best of times. I now hold the general love for my parents and brother that was initially there in childhood, but also a more genuine piece. A piece that truly allows me to say "i have the best, strongest, most caring and kick ass family ever" and not doubt it in the slightest. These three our powerful, intelligent, and loving. And i still can't figure out how i ended up with them as my own. Figuring out life is hard. Actually impossible, because doing such a thing can't be done. You can step back and evaluate yourself. Where you came from, your present situation, and how you got into such a beautiful mess. Hold true to your mind and yourself. Believe in good, and recognize bad. More than anything believe in something, but only if it holds true to the tune your heart sings.