daylight.

I almost called you last night to explain myself and defend my inner workings. i was ranting to Lauren about it all, and she said just don't. Stop responding, stop giving him ground to judge you upon.

it was in that moment that i decided to completely stop giving a fuck. Not because my words would be meaningless to you in an explanation, but because i had finally realized that every word out of your mouth has been completely meaningless to me. if you care to label me as anything, please know that your lucid ideas of me are so far off i could scream. So please, don't act as though you've scratched the surface of my genuine self in the past three months. i've reserved myself from you to stay safe from judgement. who knew you would be able to effect me without being let in?
The one defining moment of our relationship was two years ago. You always hate when i bring this moment up, you actually deny everything about it. But whether or not you chose to believe it, this has easily been the most traumatizing moment in my life. It was the first time i was verbally abused, broken, and left to feel meaningless. Due to your selfish thoughts about the changes i made in my life, you chose to say words that have and will remain scared in me forever. I hate myself for not turning away from you at that moment, for not walking away with a bit of pride. Sometimes i think the anger i have in any situation with you is still rooted in that scene. Me running down my grandma's stairs to collapse in front of my dad, showing him the screen of my phone and the words you impractically delivered to me through a text. I hated you in that moment, but loved you so deeply at the same time that i lost all bearings and every ounce of my own selfworth.

we've finally hit the for real stage. we've danced through so many different stages in our relationship it's ridiculous. but finally the end is certain. im sick of explaining myself, rekindling anything with you is the last thing i want. the past three months of my life ive spent debating my own emotions, but everything is clear now. im happy with where we stand, far apart with a very dense in between.

i laugh about Prom a lot. If you only knew what each of my friends thought that night, you'd be so confused about me. I really did lead a different life in Olympia. one that had no insecurities, like the life i had with you. i was crazy, young, adventurous, and completely free of restrictions. I bitched the whole night about the hideous color of pink you chose for your tie. i didn't even want to go to prom, and i was stuck with a date wearing a pepto bismol tie. you didn't talk, you weren't a new adventure like my life had become, and sitting next to you only made my insecurities more prominent. i think i purposely blacked out that night to forget i wasn't where i wanted to be, or who i wanted to be with. Sorry if that's harsh. And sorry for making you pull over multiple times to let me puke. Oh and double sorry for not filtering myself about all of this. don't stalk my blog if you don't want the honest to god truth, it's the only thing im good at lately.

i guess im a bit upset over the past three years? definitely so. if you're curious about the break up right before college, just know it was to save myself from any more personal confinement. im ready to be my own person. you should also know im done ranting. i just needed this, it felt good. happy wednesday to whoever's happy eyes glance upon my words today (: don't let love get the best of you.

discounts and savings.

If someone were to ask for a list of advice from me regarding love and relationships, my first thought would be "never underestimate your first heartbreak". I was caught in an idea, definitely not in love, and to this day i find myself momentarily tangled in old thoughts of you. You told me you loved me last night. And for the first time in my history with you, i was confident in the words that rolled of of your tongue. I know you love me, even if months linger between our conversations, and other relationships override our ability to lust among ideas of each other. We wake up in the same bed, but know little about the make up of the other. I don't doubt your ability to tell me a thing or two about myself. Maybe that i don't handle my liquor well, or that my bed head is something good to laugh at. I vented to an old friend today about you. Luckily she has insight to both of our worlds. She thinks it's real too, this "love thing". I hope she's right. She asked what i wanted out of all of these words and tipsy thoughts. To be honest, i didn't know at first. With a little digging on her end and honesty on mine, my thoughts finally started to reflect rhythm of my heart. I don't want you at this moment, in the same way you don't want me. Something we share is good, maybe even vital to the way i see myself. You took a piece of me, and with it stole some of my heart. But the only thing i want is your subconscious attention, your late night thoughts, and those three words you shared with me. In this moment i want your love, but maybe not all of it. Just enough to get me out of bed in the morning. And yes, i wish you were here. But i think we both know we are far too much alike to want anything tying us down, holding us back, taming our youth. Seeing myself in your life isn't easy. I know too damn well that your intentions with me are selfish, scenarios wrapped in secrecy and sprinkled with control. In some ways, my want for you is similar. The only difference is that you will forever be apart of my life. A memory, a moment, a milestone... one much more mine than yours. I'm sorry if i have this all wrong. And in some ways i'm sorry if i have it all right. I guess my biggest regret is not replying in a moment when you spoke, and for the first time ever held yourself in a position of vulnerability. I hope you know my nonexistent response meant more than any combination of words could. I love you, too.