masterful.

i have been really convinced that i understand love. i have believed over and over that love is what you felt towards me. now...im only convinced that my heart doesn't feel right, and i only believe that love hurts. love hurts a lot.



being honest is something i have always been. i can say that pretty openly too, because i've confessed to bad, shameful things that i sometimes wish i could keep inside. guilt eats at me, terribly. and it has forced me to always, always say what i must in order to be true to the people i love. love isn't love when it involves lies. say what you need to say.

you've put guilt on me now, too. because now that the trust i have for you is gone...it seems like i question everything you do. if you can lie about silly stupid things, what's holding you back from lying about more? this is a question that just can't leave my head, was he honest before this, is he being more honest now, or will these lies remain until i finally stand up for myself and move on? i'd really like to ask you this..but unfortunately, your reply will become the new question.







a little girl at work was telling me all about her "tent camping" trip. she talked and talked and talked about playing with barbies in the woods, how her dad helped her cook a hot dog over the fire, and even about her using the bathroom in the woods. her cheeks got pink as she explained how she had to jump in the water after peeing on her leg, and even pinker when she mentioned that her mom hadn't come a long. "why?" i asked, knowing the story beyond her flushed cheeks had been slyly covered up for a reason. she told me that her mommmy and daddy didn't get a long that well. she told me about each of their houses, and when she got to see each of them. she then ripped off her left shoe, took off her sock, and spread her tiny toes that were coated in the brightest of purple polishes. "my dad is really good, isn't he?" she said.

i stood in awe. not over the polish, or the camping trip, or the neatest painted toes EVER. i stood in awe because Mercedes had nothing to hide from me. i didn't have to coax her secrets out, i didn't have to ask more than once about her family, she just put it out there. she was honest, about something she obviously didn't prefer to be honest about. i lovingly looked her in the eyes and told her i was really impressed at how mature she was for a 7 year old. and smiply, she replied.

"my dad told me that i shouldn't be embarrassed that my mom isn't always around. he says she works hard to make money in order for me to go to Saint Michaels, and even though her work has brought them apart, i should be proud to say my mom loves me enough to work more than she has to. i miss her a lot, but i always have my dad around. and he tells me i have her same freckled nose, which means she's really always with me."


she gave me so much hope. she showed me that the truth isn't there to be hidden, the truth is there to prove you are made of more than you think. be truthful, be honest, and show me your heart isn't cowardly.