daylight.

I almost called you last night to explain myself and defend my inner workings. i was ranting to Lauren about it all, and she said just don't. Stop responding, stop giving him ground to judge you upon.

it was in that moment that i decided to completely stop giving a fuck. Not because my words would be meaningless to you in an explanation, but because i had finally realized that every word out of your mouth has been completely meaningless to me. if you care to label me as anything, please know that your lucid ideas of me are so far off i could scream. So please, don't act as though you've scratched the surface of my genuine self in the past three months. i've reserved myself from you to stay safe from judgement. who knew you would be able to effect me without being let in?
The one defining moment of our relationship was two years ago. You always hate when i bring this moment up, you actually deny everything about it. But whether or not you chose to believe it, this has easily been the most traumatizing moment in my life. It was the first time i was verbally abused, broken, and left to feel meaningless. Due to your selfish thoughts about the changes i made in my life, you chose to say words that have and will remain scared in me forever. I hate myself for not turning away from you at that moment, for not walking away with a bit of pride. Sometimes i think the anger i have in any situation with you is still rooted in that scene. Me running down my grandma's stairs to collapse in front of my dad, showing him the screen of my phone and the words you impractically delivered to me through a text. I hated you in that moment, but loved you so deeply at the same time that i lost all bearings and every ounce of my own selfworth.

we've finally hit the for real stage. we've danced through so many different stages in our relationship it's ridiculous. but finally the end is certain. im sick of explaining myself, rekindling anything with you is the last thing i want. the past three months of my life ive spent debating my own emotions, but everything is clear now. im happy with where we stand, far apart with a very dense in between.

i laugh about Prom a lot. If you only knew what each of my friends thought that night, you'd be so confused about me. I really did lead a different life in Olympia. one that had no insecurities, like the life i had with you. i was crazy, young, adventurous, and completely free of restrictions. I bitched the whole night about the hideous color of pink you chose for your tie. i didn't even want to go to prom, and i was stuck with a date wearing a pepto bismol tie. you didn't talk, you weren't a new adventure like my life had become, and sitting next to you only made my insecurities more prominent. i think i purposely blacked out that night to forget i wasn't where i wanted to be, or who i wanted to be with. Sorry if that's harsh. And sorry for making you pull over multiple times to let me puke. Oh and double sorry for not filtering myself about all of this. don't stalk my blog if you don't want the honest to god truth, it's the only thing im good at lately.

i guess im a bit upset over the past three years? definitely so. if you're curious about the break up right before college, just know it was to save myself from any more personal confinement. im ready to be my own person. you should also know im done ranting. i just needed this, it felt good. happy wednesday to whoever's happy eyes glance upon my words today (: don't let love get the best of you.

discounts and savings.

If someone were to ask for a list of advice from me regarding love and relationships, my first thought would be "never underestimate your first heartbreak". I was caught in an idea, definitely not in love, and to this day i find myself momentarily tangled in old thoughts of you. You told me you loved me last night. And for the first time in my history with you, i was confident in the words that rolled of of your tongue. I know you love me, even if months linger between our conversations, and other relationships override our ability to lust among ideas of each other. We wake up in the same bed, but know little about the make up of the other. I don't doubt your ability to tell me a thing or two about myself. Maybe that i don't handle my liquor well, or that my bed head is something good to laugh at. I vented to an old friend today about you. Luckily she has insight to both of our worlds. She thinks it's real too, this "love thing". I hope she's right. She asked what i wanted out of all of these words and tipsy thoughts. To be honest, i didn't know at first. With a little digging on her end and honesty on mine, my thoughts finally started to reflect rhythm of my heart. I don't want you at this moment, in the same way you don't want me. Something we share is good, maybe even vital to the way i see myself. You took a piece of me, and with it stole some of my heart. But the only thing i want is your subconscious attention, your late night thoughts, and those three words you shared with me. In this moment i want your love, but maybe not all of it. Just enough to get me out of bed in the morning. And yes, i wish you were here. But i think we both know we are far too much alike to want anything tying us down, holding us back, taming our youth. Seeing myself in your life isn't easy. I know too damn well that your intentions with me are selfish, scenarios wrapped in secrecy and sprinkled with control. In some ways, my want for you is similar. The only difference is that you will forever be apart of my life. A memory, a moment, a milestone... one much more mine than yours. I'm sorry if i have this all wrong. And in some ways i'm sorry if i have it all right. I guess my biggest regret is not replying in a moment when you spoke, and for the first time ever held yourself in a position of vulnerability. I hope you know my nonexistent response meant more than any combination of words could. I love you, too.

chalkboard life.

I believe in few things. I am the type to constantly ask questions, constantly search, start over, expand, and let previous ideas die. I think life is beautiful for that reason. The mind is one thing that is 100% personal. Whether you let your own seedlings prosper there, or aqquire the gardens of others, you yourself harvest the fruit of thought in the end. Though I take pride in being my own person, and stand apart for never truly committing to any one idea, I have found that i am a product of others and have one strong idea regarding the creation of myself in such a vast arena. Someone once told me that though uniquely everyone is their own person, they are the combination of five major influences. People, religions, daily ritual, objects, or experiences may be responsible. All of one, or one of all may be responsible. This idea was something that truly grabbed at me. I needed to know who i was, outside of myself. Who and what were the influences that inspired me to live today in the manner that i did? I'm trying to inspire something in myself. Maybe gratitude? Maybe reflection? Maybe change? I'm at neither a good or bad point in life. Confused may be the easiest label. And though i sit here anxious as ever, i am in no way ready to figure things out. Sometimes i think it's best for me to sit in the moment. Catch up with myself maybe? I am Annie, I am 18, and i have an incredibly miraculous life. I've got good people, lots of them. And i've ventured into the world on my own recently. I like being here, but it's scary too. Change is never solely a good thing. or a bad thing for that matter. I let go of a three year relationship about 120 days ago. I'm 120 days not over it, and that's okay with me. I constantly ask myself "What would Nick think of this?" or "If he gets a new girlfriend soon i won't give a shit." ....both of these thoughts meaning nothing and everything all at the same time. I guess this period of time is mentally where i should be. I was definitely in love, and though i may have fallen out of it, three years of history have me painfully hanging on to multiple realities. Like the fact that one day I won't be the center of his thoughts. Being loved is fun. But it is an obligation just as much. It's never clean, but undoubtedly the messiest of things. I am still deciding on whether or not love at 15 was good or bad. I may possibly be the first to lean towards the negative, for a young mind caught up in love does crazy things. Sometimes i did. I was uprooted at 16 from my hometown for reasons i hate. Things that definitely have left me bitter, even now. Sometimes i like to admit i came from a small town, where i cheered and my boyfriend played under bright lights every friday night. Other times i remember the conservative stereotypes and poison lives so many people lived. I lived a life like that too in some ways. One of my biggest regrets of this situation was not being bold. I held back, let go, and gave up in so many ways. I was young, and it is easy to use that as a way out. I was also hurt, and let the bruises of reality consume much more of myself than i wanted them to. I have never been in a motivational situation in which i had "fought back" to prove myself or belonging. I can honestly say that after moving away from Grays Harbor, i woke up everyday searching for anyway to be a completely new person. Since this point in my life, i have never looked for a way to fit in with my past, but i have fought viciously for a feeling of separation. I have yet to find a middle ground, for i would much rather unassociate myself then to ever hang on to that piece of my past. College has struck, fast hard and out of the blue. This is one stage of my life i will forever be in love with, because more than ever in the past three months i have found Annie. And i think i like her a bit. I've told a few people that college teaches you a lot about yourself for mainly two reasons; you live on your own and suddenly hold responsibility over small things you might not have noticed before, like dirty socks and deadlines not handed to you on a silver platter. You also find people. And unlike high school, you're friends with these people for complex reasons. You fit into there life, and they fit into yours. Though i have about five people from my younger years that i will forever be connected to, i have realized the insignifigance of relationships in youth. As a kid, friends are the people you play with. People connected to you through similar interests and hobbies. As a teen, friends are the people you can most easily relate to, the ones you can semi rely on for keeping a secret. Here, now in life, my friends are people who i genuinely want forever by my side. They are people who express interest, demand more from you, and keep you feeling alive and loved. College is fun because of the parties, the crazy schedules, and the ability to live in the moment. But so far my favorite things about college have been Shea, Michaela, Katie, Haley, and Kait. My girls. Leaving home was not hard for me then. I was ready to adventure. But now, i get a bit homesick daily. Not because i miss my bed, or Olympia, or friends (all things that i do miss), but more so because i have realized how absolutely perfect my family is. I could go on and on about how crazy the outskirts of my family are, but im not talking about those people. I'm talking about the three most important, influencial, and loving people in my life. We've been through a lot. A lot. Much more than i ever imagined as a child. I will be the first one to admit that high school was a rough time for me, strictly based off of family matters. But getting through those things were the best of times. I now hold the general love for my parents and brother that was initially there in childhood, but also a more genuine piece. A piece that truly allows me to say "i have the best, strongest, most caring and kick ass family ever" and not doubt it in the slightest. These three our powerful, intelligent, and loving. And i still can't figure out how i ended up with them as my own. Figuring out life is hard. Actually impossible, because doing such a thing can't be done. You can step back and evaluate yourself. Where you came from, your present situation, and how you got into such a beautiful mess. Hold true to your mind and yourself. Believe in good, and recognize bad. More than anything believe in something, but only if it holds true to the tune your heart sings.

a hazy sky.

when you're young, life truly is the most amazing form of self expression. words are emitted from the heart, and spoken with truth and a genuine driving force. nothing is "pre" anything. no thought out plans, no ultimatums, no foolish games. living in a world that was so uniquely your own had to have been the sweetest collaboration of existence. living with such vigor that your only fears came about in the dark. i want all of this back. not to rest easy or to turn back time. i just need to regain all of my unprocessed sense of self. it's easy to let go in a world with an impossible set of directions. there are a million different endings to, "when life gives you lemons...", so we drown desperately in confusion over the cautions of others. let go, be free, find youth, explore. but where can one bloom in a garden that is no longer cultivated regularly? mechanical structures, industrialized heartstrings, and snoozed alarms are continuously drowning out the path of my passions. caught up. so extremely caught up in everything around me, and all i want is youth. so i look up and notice that though the world around me seems hectic and off balance, there is still sun shining down on me through a hazy sky. life is simple if you stop thinking for awhile. just long enough to notice that the grass is still green, sugar is still sweet, and living through your heart is still the only way to find your content self. when i go to bed tonight, im going to find a few seconds to be afraid of whatever is under my bed. and when i awake tomorrow morning, i will speak only the raw genuine words that my delicate heart conjures up.

heart beats and youth

i wouldn't say tonight has been rough or demanding, but i can feel sadness draining into reality with each new thought i conjure up. life is so bitter sweet i can't stand it. i know the love story i have lived in is nothing like a sappy romance flick, but it did end with scrolling credits and me being pissed over the realization that my popcorn bowl is no longer full. companionship with you was a hard thing for me. not because of trust, or fear of heart break, or the annoying presence of meaningless arguing. just because i knew from day one you weren't the one. this is the first time in the history of Annie that i haven't wanted to bite back. im tired of tugging rope, and playing games, and watching the clock. because that's what we've been, clock work. it's funny how the silliest things can demand all of your time and attention. who the hell are you ruining besides yourself? i think that's one thing i will never be able to give up on. i've always got to keep myself busy by deteriorating whatever situation im in. i really hope this is a turning point for me. i think it will be. im not depressed, or lonely. im not drowning in pity or getting the usual "knife to the heart" feeling that has been dominant in situations like this before. i want to be strong, and independent, and wise. i want to walk away from every minute i have had with you, and know that someday down the road, you'll think of me and wonder what brilliant things are on my schedule that week. it's sad how two souls can become so connected, and then be pulled apart. i know i can't have my cake and eat it too, but i would love to call you a friend sometime in the future. tomorrow morning ill wake up and shower, pull on the jeans i have planned on wearing, and leave the house. i'll climb in the car, put the key in the ignition, and let country music fill my ears. you'll probably cross my mind as i drive pass places that remind me of you. where we had our first kiss, the place i first got drunk with you, and the hill i walked up to get to your house. you'll cross my mind because you are a hard drive full of memories to me. you'll cross my mind because i can't remember how your hug feels. you'll cross my mind because you are a person who filled in the gaps for two years, and a person i was willing to be vunerable around. you'll cross my mind because you were my bestfriend, but not because we were meant to end up together. im not much of a popcorn fan, but when it comes to a movie that revolves around love, the salty sting that comes with each handful is a must.