composition.

i hate to sound anything like miley cyrus, but i can truly say my likes and hates about you are about even. of course the love i have overpowers any other feeling i hold, but still.
you drive me crazy.



i hope im not burning down the trust of others by deciding to give you another chance. i am mad, i am upset, i do feel betrayed. i love you. and sometimes loving someone means looking past the bumps and roadblocks they put in your way. you'd do the same for me, you have before.
we have the strangest way of connecting, but more than anything, it is quite obviously there. it's funny how the heart physically breaks when the person you love is emotionally and mentally distant in there own way. i think you've stepped up and proven to me that now is our time. we need to step up and do this, or back down and give up on games. im more than ready, and have been...but i am scared and a bit slow moving when it comes to just jumping in.

im too young to say that i want this to last forever, without someone saying "how ridiculous". but really, why can't it? i believe with every bone in my body that youngest love is the truest. you've been the only boy to steal my heart, and i'll do everything i can to keep my heart in it until the end. what is love without wanting forever?



-"are you thinking what im thinking?"
--"i don't know...what are you thinking?"
-"...tell me what your thinking first!"
--"i think we're thinking the same thing!"
-"well im thinking that i love you."
--"i love you too."



the world is a crazy, crazy place. i think that for one and other, we are just as crazy. you're my best friend, my right hand man, and the other half to my heart.


good days or bad days, i need you. i really hope you're in this for the long run.

unexplained.

it was a great moment. i found the piece of duct tape connected to a sheet, one shoved way back in our linen closest. i laughed, an honest laugh, one carried by a truthful smile. and then everything just clicked.

how ironic. that's the only thought my mind can consume right now. i found the last piece of you, the last happy memory i carry, at the exact moment i had realized that this is okay. this is all so scary and new..but it's really okay. our thoughts of each other are quite different. im upset, disappointed, and not willing to forgive. but i also have found some type of peace. some piece. both of those.





upon a fresh canvas, you really have no limits. i have decided to only make slow, bold, and reassuring strokes before i get caught up in more complicated painting techniques.


you can say what you want about loving me, but in my heart it holds no importance. love isn't shown through the actions, words, or lies you have presented me with. you know, i am lost and weak. but im also finding my way and becoming a lot more than i thought i could be.


we had fun that night, i really hope you won't forget it. i felt like a little kid again, not caring about wasting yards and yards of duct tape. i was only concerned about being able to see the tv and making our fort "walls" stay up. i couldn't help but laugh when a corner fell, or the tape shook loose. you would immediately freak, because you worked so hard on it...that and because you're just the type who doesn't like any type of silly set back. i was eager to wake up the next morning. i was so anxious to give you your easter basket, and to get a kiss goodbye.
life felt good that weekend.


and now, duct tape holds more than just objects together.
it keeps pieces of me together too.

serenity.

im sick. sick to the point of waiting for days to get done with. bedtime is heaven, bringing me fake realities to get swallowed up in. i wonder if this is what you wished for me.


i shot nerf bullets at my window for a solid ten minutes today. it's gross, knowing that the happiest part of my day was hearing the little foam cylinders un-suction from my glass view. im aware that you weren't happy. but why didn't you give me a heads up, or do it at a different time?

you pushed me down when i was already on my knees..i know i have hit the bottom.
i also know that i always get back up.




i can't sleep, eat, read, watch tv, or even take a bubble bath. my mind won't let me focus on anything but the continual breaking of my heart. im surprised i even have the energy to stay awake, i started the day with a long run and haven't eaten a thing. it's almost as though my body wants me to feel this pain...it could be reminding me why going back to you was a stupid idea. it's persuading me to never do it again.

sometime mid march you told me, "if we get back together, i'll treat you like royalty. it's going to be like we're married, because we're both over playing games." is this your way of winning which ever game you lost last time? i don't get it. i can't comprehend why you wasted even more of my time than you already have.



if you "prefer the truth"... why did you lie for so long?

fatality.

i've just accepted the fact that these next few days will be hell. not because you've made points that are unfair. not because you said words that were flat and harsh. only because the person i thought you were, has been nothing more than a wishful hallucination.
you're dead. we're dead. but me? i am SO alive.


this has given me a second wind. although i can't say i am happy, i am truly blessed to have fallen into a pit of open arms. yours aren't here, which is quite obvious. in reality, they have been absent for awhile...but i have chosen to play naive.
silly me...i've morphed the bad guy into some kind of "good".

i've got kiri. and paul and teague. kasey and eddie too. i wouldn't forget the fillo's. or dad and beau. your band of followers are nearly as shitty as you, but not quite. i wouldn't place such a label on them.
the humiliating thing i have to face now, is the fact that every single one of the people who love me, have warned me from the start. it's sad that my widowed grandma could tell you were a fuck up, she advised me to stay away from your sorry ass.
guess i should have used those words to find a way out.



you know what's really hott? when a guy is decent and has a head that holds some percentage of a brain.
have a mentioned you are beyond unattractive?

la-la-la-lowlife.

i take back all the i love yous, all the midnight phone calls, and all of the days spent napping in your bed. i take back the dinners i made you, the inside jokes we have, and all of the gallons of gas i wasted. gas used, at $4.07 a gallon, only to get to the lowest, most incredibly self centered person i have ever loved.

im sorry for holding you back and for being something you didn't want.
as much as im sorry for you, i am a million times more sorry for myself. parts of my heart are now with you. i regret giving them up, because now these pieces of me have to sit in that cold place you refer to as your heart.
why did you lie and say i could always count on you?
why did you wait so long for me, because i was not yet ready?
why did you fake your love, and leave me in this confused place?
why did you become someone i am now embarrassed to have ever called mine?


i usually split my writing up. i talk about this and that, addressing two or three subjects in one piece of writing. but tonight, i find myself unable to think about anything more than the reality i face, one i didn't see myself facing so soon.

im in awe at your transformation, confused by this new view, and taken aback by the cruel words and ideas you have left for me to rake through.


i wonder if you feel like a winner, or if you even care. i wonder if you'll lie to cover up the shittiness you have created. i wonder if you'll care that i have moved on,
not emotionally, for the mending of my heart is beyond quick repair. more so mentally, because i know without you..i will be better off. i will be so much more than i have ever been before, because the presence of you only makes me small, insecure, and unimportant. are you proud of the impact you had on me?


angry people don't enhance the happiness of others. selfish people make situations worse for those in need. huge egos take up so much space, that room for conversation is minute.

im happy you showed your true colors.
you are a a true, worthless, piece of shit.

fresh love.

life is nothing more than a hilarious string of events. i was never meant to be here, never meant to feel the things i have felt. but i am, and i have. i've loved, cried, been wrong, proved right, fallen, jumped, lost, been consumed, and won.

most importantly, i have created. i have experienced the making of me, and the battle of being something not everyone approves of.

finding you was the purest breath of fresh air. being with you reminds me why a clean room feels nice, why girls paint their nails, and why flannel sheets are perfection after a long day.
it's simple. love is finding perfection in minute things.
which is kind of a pun, because you're pretty minute yourself.



i like knowing that life is unstable. what is the fun of waking up everyday and drawing only between the lines? kick back, breath slow, and screw the teachers who say, "four on the floor". there is absolutely no fun when it comes to sitting through the educational process, so use your chair skills to enhance your entertainment.

nothing and everything, that is what you have brought to me. a huge panoramic view of such a sweet and simple scene. life is good, short, and inevitably yours. so grab it by the tail, and go.

to me, life is nothing without the stars, the sun, the moon, and you.
always make your pancakes small, they flip so much easier.

snuggle up.

you know, i don't feel bad anymore about the things i've said. im glad you've learned to look into what makes me tick, and explore that. the side of me opposite of you might be hard to dig through, and i fully understand that. you really do keep my heart beating, and nothing has excited me in a more "tingly" way. i honestly do feel your smile make its way up my spine, even though such a smile is so rare.
those are the things i love so completely about you, your rarities.

on sunny days i truly find nothing in myself to love. im selfishly stubborn, undoubtedly insecure, and have days when im hell to be around. im a princess in every single way, if the world doesn't revolve around me..life may get tough for you.
luckily, sunny days are fewer than rainy days.



when it comes to thinking about life after all of this, i go insane with pleasure. i know we'll have it made, and i know you want every desire i chase just the same. will we still make forts and sleep in them? will we hide behind walls to scare each other? and will saying "i love you more" leave us going to bed wrapped up in contentment?
i hope so. i hope with every bone in my body that the best parts of us remain.
i want to wake up when we're 85, and still laugh at the way i wrap myself around you when we sleep.

i don't want diamonds, jewels, or silk sheets.
i only want you, and classy brown bottled beer.