security.

it scares me to finally understand what brings you happiness, and peace of mind. things that will mean nothing years from now, things that immature minds hold as expectations. you make me question your place in my life. are you here to appreciate what we have and what we've been through, or are you here to skate around the truth in order to maintain a little power and stability?

i wish you could feel the way i love you, because i know you don't.


life is starting to catch up with me, finally. it feels so good to be productive and comfortable sitting at the end of the day. i always doubt myself, and im starting to realize that doubting is the only thing to set me back. i have to jump, run, sacrafice, and get motivated. which has undoubtedly been a relationship of mine that continues to strain. im gaining mileage though, and im here to do work.
sometimes you have to figure out a way around your stressers. make a list, what CAN you control? your reactions, your ambitions, your ways of approaching problems. what CAN'T you control? people's feelings, the weather, how fast your breakfast cooks.
control what you can, and accept what you can not. life is as simple as you make it.

if i could have any super power, it wouldn't be to fly or read minds.
i can use a plane, and i could care less what the perverts around me are thinking at any given moment.
if i could have a super power, i would want the ability to pick up any given talent at any moment in time. i only say this because being able to play the guitar right now would be really nice. until then, i guess i'll learn to strum the hard way..

handfuls.

it's scary to me, looking directly at you. a face that i have known for so long, but a heart i have chosen not to dig into. i was selfish not to. i am sad to hear echoes of my past words, knowing i knew nothing more than what i saw, and wished to believe. i am sorry for that, i show remorse for not only you, but me also. because i have struggled so long without having a shoulder. little did i know, you could be mine. and i want to be yours.

a heart left unexplored, a heart with a matching beat to mine. i am sorry.

if fairytales were real, i would write my own and live it. i wouldn't want a castle, long blonde hair, or an animal to talk to. just an overdose of the simple, weekly things i have now.
i'd want p!nk and taylor swift music constantly in the background, i'd want my dad's funny "lines" every five minutes, and i'd want my feet rubbed every night before bed.
i'd throw you in there too, but i'd change a few things. i'd need you to sincerely love me, deep down, the way you used to.


i rocked a baby to sleep today, and it made me feel whole. i sang in the car, and it made me feel free. i thought about myself several times, and each time it made me feel unloved, doubted, and not worthy. i talked to you once. well no, i texted you once.
and for the first time in weeks, i felt determined, happy, and cared about.

i sure do wish fairytales held some truth, though. life would be great, especially if whoever was rubbing my feet used Victoria's Secret, "merry vanilla twilight". im not into perfectness, whatsoever. i love that my pinky's have a curve, that my heart is addictive, and that i get annoying, yet still ask millions of questions about things i'd like to know. im not looking for perfect, or anything close to it. im asking for you to look past what you see. listen to my questions, make me laugh, enjoy my company. and if you can't do that..then let me go so i can breathe.
let go so i can feel unbroken again.

ribbons and bows.

i know it shouldn't be this way, but it certainly is. i've become twisted, stuck, and immobile. i keep having debates in my head; learn to be independent and happy, or stay confined in the sad, insecure place that you've been in. it should be an easy decision, right?

wrong. you ARE my happy. you ARE my sad.

i kind of like the whole, realistic and sad prospective on life. in some ways it provides a happy feeling too, just knowing im not caught up in an unreal thought. im obvious, blunt, and determined. im not lost where you would like me to be, in a place of non gravity, and idealism. im afraid because of you and this mind you have forced me to create, my heart is turning cold in some places. but im keeping my head above water, you can suck me into whatever deep sea you'd like, but i'll never sink deep enough to be unsuccessful. but stop continuously pulling me down, i don't like the thought of that.
i hate more the thought of you moving on, new places, slamming doors, and forgotten sundays.



i'll get to the place where i need to be, and then you'll be the one with cold spots. i know you'll regret this...and i will most likely love the idea of your new found fascination. i used to believe you were the witty type, maybe even one to catch on rather quickly. but, as i see you bathing in your moment of light, i now figure differently. enjoy your warmth now, because it's my turn to step out of the shade.


why can't we go back to last april? when the weather wasn't the shit it's been this year, and when your head was actually screwed onto your body. you're so high, it's making my stomach do back flips.

pull away, let go of him. that wasn't even me.

tea lights.

i woke up today with that perfect sunny, sweet feeling. like, why am i so blessed to be here? what has entitled me such a picture perfect morning?...the sun slowly creeping through the curtains that hang overhead. and you, rough around the edges, but a perfect fit into the locket of my life.

you fit. and we're standing here, together.
i think our baggage makes us special. we'll have stories, but more importantly, each other.


i wonder if my brother remembers dancing in the living room like i do, or playing with the napier's in the backyard. does he remember being santa at grammy's house on christmas eve? does he remember playing uno with dad before getting taken to school?
he remembers, i know he does. but does he miss it as much as i do?
he probably thinks im a nut job relating us so closely, but that's what he is to me.
the better, stronger, more optimistic version of myself. and i am so curious to know his fears, only because i make mine an open topic, and he does not.


simple things send me to my knees. i have become so caught up in life, that at times, i am weaker than anyone should be. i am unwilling to admit that my youth plays a strong part in how i've been acting, i wish to hold more of a consistent bad ass attitude, but it's not me. i am a pale blue, not a vibrant red. i guess today will be the day to accept my weakness, and grow strong. i only say this because writing is what has brought such an insecure thought to my mind. annie, you are not bulletproof.
you are not today. but tomorrow, and for the rest of eternity, you will be.
bulletproof.

psalm.

i hope you're not sad that i've given up on you. let me rephrase that..i hope you can understand why i have given up on you. so many doors slammed in my face, and i've become unwilling to knock anymore. you're my reflection and my peace keeper, or at least you were. im only giving up because i want you back. and this clearly isn't you.


if there is such thing as a "god", then why do such shitty things happen throughout the span of someones existence? why has it been necessary for me to feel pain, jealousy, confusion, and heartbreak? why can i aimlessly hope for a better tomorrow, and wind up in a dark state of mind after endless happy thoughts? im tired of saving myself. i hope this tiredness doesn't take over too much of me, because im afraid of letting go. im afraid of falling into the empty space so many people do fall into. i wish there was some higher power, but im smart enough to give up on that thought. smart enough not to rely on angel wings and lost prayers to catch me.

i get annoyed with the people who push things into my lap. give me a few solid facts and i'll listen, until then, keep your shit to yourself.


im willing to explore, be wrong, and stand up for myself in order to believe in something. i laugh at the situations that "change" peoples mindsets, because for me, these situations only make my assumptions on life a little more concrete. i love the thought of having a faith, but why can't i just have faith in myself? i'll blame my problems on me, congratulate my personal achievements, and smile over the small things in life that prove to me i am so incredibly alive, and free to take deep breaths.

i don't need an explanation as to why im here. i don't need a thick book of super thin paper to tell me how to think and what to pray to. i need simplicity, and a happy mind.

coffee, smiling people, and music.
and a sprinkle of faith.. but only in myself.

the price you pay.

our stages make me laugh, we are such a terrible pair. i find a smile in the fact we are so incompatible more than anything. you can make me laugh, and i can make you smile..but we are nowhere near that "puzzle fit" place. i wonder if we have ever been in love at the same time? you know, the way it is actually suppose to work. i fall head over heels winter and spring, but you seem to trip summer and fall.

it's not that we don't love each other. we just have our seasons of infatuations. again, this is alllll fine to me. you know how to love when i need you, and i know how to run with you when you want to escape.

i only get sad over one thing. and that's when you become stubborn about showing me how you feel. i beat myself up about how i could do better, even though i know this is just how you are. i guess it's a sad thought too, because i wouldn't let it fly with anyone else. im crossing my fingers this is only a stage, because i want the solid you back...the 'you' that wouldn't dare make me feel bad about myself. the 'you' that loved me from my crown to my pedicured toes.


on a happier note, i look forward to mini monkeys, jeeps, babies, and a big bed. oaklee and sam, do you remember?
while im here, i'll let it all out. because as far as im concerned, it is 1 am, and now officially monday. i live for new days.
i live for a lot, but lately i've noticed i live for everything but me. today that changes.


i hope that you don't think you have won or determined any medal when i say this. although it is true i may not hold the boldest fight here, i promise you won't find anyone willing to risk more.
im strong and independent, and i can guarantee a thought of regret in your mind if you don't listen to your heart.
treat others the way you want to be treated.

im getting there, i am. and it's such a good feeling.

a bruised sky.

it takes way to long to figure out that in order to be happy, you have to enjoy the things you normally wouldn't. cold days are always good with a cup of tea, and letting go always gives you the chance to grab onto something else.
i hope looking at me makes you smile, i hope an apple a day really does keep the doctor away, and i hope more than anything else something incredible comes from this..because a lot of the time, i don't think even a good thing will. im willing to waste my time on anything that helps me sleep easier, thats why im glad that good people are in my life. im glad that scratch and sniff stickers were invented, and im glad that clicking down a jumble of nonsense words doesn't waste paper.
most of all, im glad that im here. and so are you.



p.s.- this is the best secret i have ever kept.

one fine wire.

maybe it's because the things that seem out of reach are realistically SO attainable. i don't know. i guess im not the one to ask. what i can tell you, is that i have fallen down, given up, and walked away from way to many opportunities to turn around now. and im not going to stand here feeling lonely, that's a waste of time.

this is your official chance to let go. i promise to be here whenever you need me. kinda like a good book. just walk away from worries and escape for awhile..ya know? but before you make any sudden decisions, think of me. whether it's my bitchy monday morning moods, or my messy summer hair that went hand in hand with chipped nail polish. there isn't a single doubt in my mind that somewhere along the line, this will all seem to break apart and go exactly how i don't want it to. i guess that's the beauty of most everything in life..excepting the shit that comes out of something you worked really hard for. funny how that goes, isn't it?

life is life. and everyday i feel like another 'exception' of another 'rule' is created. i have broken my own personal trust one two many times. this time is different though, because it's a two way promise. im here as long as you can think of me. im hoping thats not to much of a problem.
because the thought of being on your mind puts me in good place.



thank you for dawn dish soap, jogging playlists, nike thug shorts, and sleepless nights. i wouldn't want to forget to mention marshmallows, sugar coated. that's how it goes.

your web.

i go through these completely random stages of thinking. like i almost want to confuse myself, and just make life a tad bit harder. im never sure what i want, i don't tend to set a goal and reach it, but rather run in one direction..only to find myself turning towards a new destination within minutes of setting off. im starting to realize this is how i am, and most likely not a stage. and maybe thats okay, to just except a new destination, a new way of thinking, and a new place, all at a moments notice. in some sense it's my way of feeling in control, to be able to navigate the simple things i can. pressing cancel on the toaster, mid-toast. wearing flip flops on a shitty weather day. writing a letter with no intention of sending it. and turning to you, once again, even though a million sacrifices on my part won't change a single thing.

i have decided to rely solely on myslef to feel content. and if that means giving up on unscrambling the ridiculously challenging puzzle i refer to as 'you'.. then maybe i will. once again, i have started running. im smart enough to know that this won't last long of course. when running is caused by symptoms of you, i usually turn around before i get the chance to break a sweat.
here i am again. running and ending up somewhere crazy. i guess i can deal with crazy, but only if dealing with crazy means dealing with you.

im going to dedicate this one to second hand calories, the way kasey keeps me sain, and 'fucking animals'. i might as well throw in innocence and whatever the opposite of innocence is.

catch-up or ketchup.

it's two freckles past a hair. and im stuck fumbling through the crazy mess i've fallen into. when all else fails, i have me. it's taken me countless attempts to figure out something so childish and blunt. i like the swerves in the road that send me in new directions, and the coffee stains that block out my previously planned route. i've decided not to buy ahead, over pack, or even bring a first aid kit. this time, i'll jump long before thinking twice.
i'll jump long before thinking at all.



who's to say that being right is such a good thing? picking up the pieces always leaves you looking back and smiling at the end result, even if it comes hand in hand with a paper cut or two. a closed door gives you a good reason to undo your bobby pin, shake your hair loose, and pick a lock. and being the last in line gives you five more minutes to complain about something less important than yourself.
im letting go now, because i know that you've already won. i won't tell myself anything that isn't true. doing so only leaves me with high hopes, a lost victory, and another failed attempt at making my way out of here. im not happy with the way things went. but im determined to make any ending a good one. you are the pieces that i need to pick up. i'll try and make sense out of every thing else as i go. one by one, the picture will come together. before getting too far, i'll remind myself to step back.
then, it's simple.

i'll cross my fingers and jump.

something more.

i like walking in the cold to get to where you are. and laughing at everything that shouldn't be funny. the way your excuses can't fit your story, and how after all of this..you find a way back to me. always.

do you think that fate puts every person in your path, every problem in the way of your destination, and every twist in your horoscope? im lost for words at how completely seamless my story is this time. i've never been one to fully embrace the "everything happens for a reason" theory. i guess you throw a rock into the water expecting perfect rivets to form around it, but what if just once they don't look so perfect? do you fish the rock out of the pond and toss it again, just to get the circles you were expecting?
im overjoyed with where i stand in my life. i have amazing people around me, atleast three unscratched family guy seasons worth of dvds, and warm brown sugar scented candles that never fail to make me love winter.
being this content is impossible to perceive through clouded eyes. getting stuck in a rut only makes you want to re-do the past moments to rid you of an issue. but when taking back a breathe takes back more than just mistakes, ask yourself if an erased scuff mark is worth the loss of anything more than just that.

i want everything to "happen for a reason"
i want to look back someday and realize that all my troubles were worth it in the end.
im ready to enjoy simple laughter, your knock at my door, and a lost kiss.
im ready for frozen fingertips and maybe a few excuses too.
because after all of this, you find a way back to me.
always.

knock, knock.

well, i heard the click. after struggling with the same door jam for so long, the sound of a twisting lock is so reassuring. im onto my next task now.

what did i learn from this? good question. because besides the continuous reminder of wasted time, nothing has shown as a 'break through' of any sort. i guess i'll keep swinging, missing, and stepping up again. i've found that im a lot better at striking out than doing much else. i can't complain though. things have been fun, and im starting to perfect my swing. that way, when the time comes..i'll get a good whack at whatever it is im hitting.
i have a hard time listening, i can say for sure this is one thing i have learned about myself. i don't like believing anything unless i see light at the end of the tunnel, a turning point, or grass thats a tad bit greener. i always hear what you say, disregard the things i don't like thinking true, crash, and then wind up slowly retracing my steps to the exact time the words came off your lips. im a mess. and im glad that you've been here to remind me that being this way is exceptable, and part of the reason you love me. i guess when someone is made up of qualities that don't quite fit the bill, that's just what happens. you fall for everything that is so un-perfect about them.

it's funny to me how shook up i thought i would be about all of this. closing, locking up, and moving on is a scary thought. i know that im confident with where i stand. im confident with who i have. and im more than confident about every mistake leading up to this. please don't think your actions have caused anything more than hurtles for me to jump. with every situation i've faced, i've been knocked down only to pull myself back up. this time will be no different, i may have an unpredictable success rate, but im a pretty strong girl.

water color skies.

i'd love to tell you exactly how i feel. i know that once my thoughts fall into place, they would look so perfect aligned into the seams of our story. they might create tension in places, ease misconceptions in others, and uniquely tie the paths of you and me together. but i should be realistic. my feelings are nowhere close to falling into place, and telling you that easily would make everything seem cheap, and unworthy. life has it's shitty qualities, and i can promise you over and over that i have never come close to considering you one. we're a perfect puzzle, and i've spent a healthy amount of time putting our pieces together.
pinky promise, no crosses count.


someone once told me that when a penny hits the bottom of a well, it disappears. your hope consumes the small copper circle, and your wish comes true. believing in such an illusion might make some people turn and laugh. but if i can't consider this penny possibility true, what other household items will you allow me to connect my wishes to and toss over the brick edging of a well?
lost amidst our wishes are a small piece of oneself, a corner of reality, and a belief that one day we will hold onto something that is now far out of our reach.
i want to believe that my desires still ride on those shooting stars, still blink with the neon green numbers of 11:11, and continue to fly away with each sweet dandelion parachute.


i think i've decided to grab hold of a dandelion too, and fly somewhere nice.
i'd love to see the bright colors of somewhere tropical.

but even more so, i'd enjoy flying straight into the arms of you.

mix n' match.

im not sure what brought the tears. it was either reading your old notes, or realizing that you didn't leave them anymore. i guess you can't expect for someone to simply remain the same, but i thought that i might at least find a few stray bits and pieces of something i used to know.

i think i have decided to stay the same. just in case you ever need me, and find yourself digging for those pieces of the person you used to know. those pieces. the ones of you that im still hopelessly searching for.
i'd like for everything to go just right. acknowldegement, happiness, and a small taste of something im not used to. you might even drop by to remind me how wonderful you are.
yes, that'd be perfect.
but im not the perfect type, and it's obvious the life i live isn't either.
a girl can dream though, can't she?



should i be worried that im still completely hung up you, no matter how many times i openly deny it? should i keep pretending that i don't think about you now and then, and wonder what your up to? i usually have a pretty good idea. i know the things you like and the way you are. and strangely enough, your the one person who has been completely reliable. thats what i like. your ability to be so 'down to earth'. the way you make a confusing idea seem so simple. and the way, even after all this time, you make it nearly impossible for me to go a day without thinking about how things used to be. actually, the way i used to be.
im not giving in yet. i've got too much going for me.
perfect isn't all it's cracked up to be, thank god.

cheers to the dream ring, a good weekend, twurtles, and me. that's right, me.

candy lips.

it's funny how life throws everything at you. good or bad, things come exactly as they should. whether you expect them or not, they arrive. and i thank life again and again for throwing me you. curve ball? yes. but this time i wasn't fooled, a stepped into the pitch and finally hit something solid.


pistacios are the most disgusting creation god made. im sure of it. but i still manage to crack a smile whenever i see a bag, and always consider throwing them in the cart.
now i find myself having a hard time writing with a smile. im not used to it, not at all. it's alright for me to be positive, im just a little nervous at the moment. because i had no clue this would happen, and now im confused with what i should expect. maybe i shouldn't expect. that would do the trick, you were the best suprise i've had in awhile anyways. lets end with the same happy note we started on, la de dumm dee doo. annie's a happy girl, and life is spectacular.


$7 shoes, canceled wrestling tournaments, and your sweet concerns. im completely head over heels, in love with my life.

changes and candybars.

i'd love to think that you will someday come around. but you won't..and i need to find a way to be okay with that. people change, i've changed. and you were not the first one to point that out. i won't lie and say the things you've said haven't impacted me, made me think, and put my thoughts in a new frame of mind. but i will lie and say that the things you said didn't hurt me, because it's still hard for me to come to terms with the fact that everything you have thrown at me so far has had a taste of truth to it.


i like who i am. who i've become. that doesn't mean i don't miss parts of who i was, who we were, and the things we did. memories are at the top of my list of my favorite things. im glad your tangled into them somewhere.

yoga should be fun. im ready to be in a new position. twisted into some crazy thought process that will put my mind at ease. pretzel, criss cross applesauce, the "crane". maybe i'll try it hot. maybe not. your truth doesn't sit well with me anymore, it definitely left a bad aftertaste. so tell me what your wanting from all of this..a new story to whisper throughout the ears that will listen? or are you truly honestly worried? im looking for answers in all the wrong places. i could just be ignoring the things i don't want to hear, or maybe for once im right about something. i haven't checked the roof yet, or in front of the bathroom mirror. i skipped the trailer and the little store just down your street. im not ready to say goodbye.

tucked into my box are candy bars, tar-tar, and coffee creamer. those were always the things that made you smile. i need you.

the same thing.

things fall apart so you can put them back together. you've been distant for so long, and im trying my hardest to build something back up. it's just not there. we've got our backs turned on each other, pulling in opposite directions. i have to let go in order to hang on to anything.


it seems that the moment i get what i want, my mind changes. im not used to this, it's completely new to me. and you have the hardest time understanding that. tell me, what is love and why do you say i can't feel it? im well aware of the bitterness here. i know what goes on. but guilt can't make up my mind. i've told you before im stronger than that..and you know better than anyone that every word off of my lips contains a bit of truth.

in order to acheive anything, you have to except risk. you were mine..this is mine.

on the doormat of reality your welcomed with many hardships that come hand in hand with only a few moments of bliss. it's all worth it. reality, that is. you have to live in the moment and just be okay with shittiness sometimes. im knocking at the door, and i know it's gonna open. im nervous, don't get me wrong, but this new begining is long overdue. being sheltered is great until that roof seems to vanish. sugar tastes sweet until your fingers become sticky. and love seems perfect until your left with a lock, but no key.

life's here! i gotta keep livin' it.

skipping & falling.

ring a round the rosie, pocket full of posies. ashes, ashes, we all fall down.


i don't get annoyed that your here again. i love the little tune you leave behind once you go, and the way we're so casual with everything. i like it when you laugh at me and get me to try new things. i like how it's string-less. im free, and so are you.

i expected a different feeling..something more along the lines of a goodbye. but no matter how far away you are, a piece of me will always be with you. there's never been a linking of chains. no strings, bindings, or crosses of the heart. that doesn't mean thoughts of you don't linger around when im aimlessly thinking, or that certain songs don't make me wish we could have been more.
you should have woken up at eleven. you should have been more eager. you should have had rosy cheeks in the parking lot. i feel like you left it all up to me and that's probably because you did. you'll do it again, im sure.
and so will i.
sometimes i don't know what to think of myself. im running around in circles over nothing, but over everything all at the same time. i can't be someone i'm not. i can try to tell myself that this is all just a waste of time. but my heart knows differently.



you don't feel the same. you don't care. but i'm caught up, once again, in your web. hopefully that 'clean slate' feeling will slowly set in. i doubt it though. after all this time, two things remain the same. you make everything feel right. and somehow everything is still wrong.

fool's gold.

maybe im a fool for believing everything the night sky tells me. sometimes when making decisions gets hard, that's what i do. rely on the unreliable.
it's not completely my fault though. once you've jumped on a shooting star, the world is spinning too damn fast around you to find some stable ground. i thought climbing on board would take me somewhere new and exciting, because that's how it's suppose to be. life, you know? new exciting fun bright fresh and brilliant.

you can't make the sour parts sweet. and it's a waste of time trying to force that smile. what you see is what you get, don't tip toe around the negative to create a prettier picture.

as of this moment, i can't sort out the good and bad. i want so much of the things i can't have, im stubborn, confused, and could easily see myself crying over the decision of fruit loops or cocoa puffs. at the same time..i've figured a lot out about myself. im independent, happy, generous, creative, and know way too much about how to incorporate cuss words in an appropriate manner. maybe im a mess in every sense of the word, maybe im a bitch when it comes to a few sensitive subjects, but maybe im exactly what you need? maybe we could share that bowl of fruit loops?

i guess the only way out of this situation is to enjoy the ride.
whether or not my decision was right, i made it.
i'll take a few pictures, smell the roses, and bring you back a shitty souvenier.