gypsys and such, something lost.

it's true. emotions and confusions have overtaken such a large part of who i am. it's now like a game, one im playing with myself. constantly i am beat and discriminated against. ill put words upon the lips of others in order to finalize the thouhgts i submit to my own self awareness. lost in a sea of myself and looking at a shore that is unreal, an illusion. the feeling of your wooden planks beneath me was the only happy thought i had. now i have determined that your presence is not my boat, for the love we've built may be more of an unrealistic landscape than the shore itself. instead of restlessly paddling in a direction i don't want to go, i will just float. im not sinking nor am i in a rush to get anywhere. the sun is high and my mind is young.


if your heart isn't completely engaged in the ideas you run with, you must let go.


i think i want myself to believe that life is easy and i have things figured out. but when i sit here and see the life of my teens years shorten, i notice my heart start to beat faster and jump a little bit. i am so unforgiving when it comes to the daily stress i add into my schedule, yet i continue to let myself miss out and get hurt.
im not sure how i can let go, because this stress has almost become a dependency for me. a feeling i am too familiar with. a drug, that gives my mind fancy illusions to get lost in.

id like to be somewhere else, and that is why im here. im at a place in time, life, and love that has lead me to realize a new "here". im ready to blast off, let go, move on, and in some strange sense...hold on.



stability is something you provide for yourself. in this life, finding myself has been a struggle. to believe, one must find strength. i can't keep looking for that in others for i slowly find myself becoming much more weak. today has been a gift, one with struggle and resentment, but also breath and energy.

im ready to move forward, and hold on. to find enlightenment i must find myself.
ill start by finding a midnight snack (one that suits my soul of course).

nothing more to say.

i feel very confident in typing tonight, because i know your "loving" eyes will never embrace this text. they wont desire to be here, for other views are much more lovely.
you have made yourself into a new gentleman, something i do admire.
but such a drastic change is one i don't care to rely on, or trust. i've been here a million times. this time does feel a bit different but i refuse to take that feeling and fly with it. my hearts too fragile to take flight these days.


oh yes, the sweet taste of revenge has washed out the bitterness you recently left me with. kinda sucks being where i was, doesn't it? this is my mean side coming out. and for once, i feel perfectly okay being slightly evil. you left me cleaning up too many messes over the past eight months and im refusing to be Cinderella.
it's funny how you manipulated so much of me without slipping up. you were consistent, practiced, and close to a perfectionist.

unfortunately, royalty doesn't always leave you sitting in the king's throne. if you don't appreciate all of the rubies on your queens crown, someone else will soon gaze upon the sparkling beauty.


you know i love you. because without a doubt, my heart is yours. but i sure do hope you're willing to play the long drawn out game you have so secretively played with me. i won't be nearly as mean as you, but i will make sure the odds are ALWAYS in my favor.

i've got a nice ass, white teeth, and a personality that blows your plan b bimbos out of the water. respect me, because otherwise ill leave you with an unfortunate reality.
and your friends lies might just become the truth.

darks and lights and sparkles.

if anything, i'd love to be a princess. you can forget the pinks, pearls, and fluffy gowns. i just want to be your simple treasure, something kept on the top shelf.
you'll look at me everyday and say, "i love her". i might be millions of gas tanks away, but high on your shelf my memory will sit, with a delicate piece of my heart.


it's crazy where i am right now. not here, nor there. im alive to the fullest measure but i can't say with an honest word that i am myself.
i dream, and laugh, and play, and dance. but in a way even you would not recognize. from a distance, my energy sends bright remarks. climb into my lifeline and you would discover something a little different.
i still play with the thought of you, because love is a game of curiosity.
but i know your heart is in a foreign place now.
well, maybe not foreign, but i certainly haven't found it knocking at MY door.


do you think about the ocean when the snow falls in december? does a candle ever catch your eye in the daytime? never. but misplacing love is something you will forever be unable to ignore. a slash through hope, faith, and then an indescribable feeling that hurts so bad your thoughts do not move.
im wondering now who has a hold of the knife, for my eyes cannot see.
my fingers lay with no feeling, too. but they're there, because somehow i am holding a needle and thread.
"if i could somehow find a way into my chest", my mind thinks.
"if i could somehow find a way out of this body" says my heart.




the view is pretty great up here, but it's nothing spectacular. i'd rather be holding your hand, feeling your kiss, or whispering in your ear.

i'll settle for the shelf.
but since i've given up the pearls and gowns, i definitely deserve a tiara.

a fine disease.

have you ever cared for something so deeply, that the words surrounding your desire are unattainable? not in reach of the human tongue, for something so precious has no words. my heart has been outlined in a deep red. something so beautiful and wreckless.
lives completed and destroyed, by the simplicity of three words.

i hate to call it love, because it's more than that. a raw, delicate, and vibrant way of seeing the world. i can't tell you how i feel, or what makes my mind revolve the way it does. but i can tell you that my chest is full of a feeling i wish to consume for the rest of my days. a perfect disease, im forever yours.



today was really good. long, in some sense. and a bit tiring, but overall it's been another sunny day. i've finally found a way to appreciate the dew on my car in the morning. i guess driving to starbucks for an americano does that to you...kinda helps you forget about the underlying negatives.
i hope you're aware that you have me by the heart strings.
days don't feel bad, when i have you.
life is easy, and my smile is bright.

this hope hasn't arrived in a nicely wrapped box. it's been a rough journey for me, appreciating each lesson learned definitely makes it worthwhile though. im happy you have finally made some realization of your feelings towards me, but im not happy it took my bitching to get you there. i hope your lies show truth, and my doubts prove false.

i feel perfect. alive, perplexed, and full. im in love with you, and that is happiness.

corners and heart strings.

man alive, my baby has grown up. in a time and place so far away, it's unusual to look back and see that time stopped for nothing. clearly, the freckles on her cheekbones are still visible (and of course still melt my heart), but the wiggly teeth and crazy hair have some how found their years in a new face. a girl. one no longer so delicate to me, but much more powerful and in place.
i hope she knows the sun rises so she can dance. i hope she knows the sun sets so she can dream.

but mostly, i hope she knows that she has given me hope, dedication, and a love that is truly unreal. never have i wished as many happy days on anyone, as i have for her.





growing up has come for me too, of course. i have loved, lived, dared, and escaped. there are few things i wish i could go back and change. and there are many days i wish i could go back and relive. to become close with your own heart, you must make it beat. find the things you love, and do them. happiness is what you make it.
sparkles and polka dots are fun for the eyes, but the view of a personalized happiness is the fun found in unlocking the potential to your own ambition.
embrace the imperfect. look for amazing desires within yourself, that are unlike the desire of the usual. paint your nails every night, express yourself through music, and act in the moment. live, love, and laugh in a way that corresponds to the heart your body holds.

days go by without the permission of anyone. my biggest regret is letting time slip without capturing the profound breathes my lungs have breathed in. picking blackberries with my papa, spending endless summers with my favorite girls softball team, building tree houses with my neighborhood friends, experiencing the birth of kennedy, becoming my brothers best friend, my first kiss/love, realizing independence is not always a choice, living through heart break, losing a piece of myself to the wrong person, rebuilding walls, experiencing a new school, losing my brother to college, struggling with an eating disorder, learning to drive, staying up until the sun rises, fishing with my boys, and spending hours in front of the bathroom mirror to impress people not worth impressing. it's an incredible feeling to look back at negatives times, and finally embrace them. good and bad work together in every situation, so when it rains (maybe even pours) a rainbow will always been somewhere out there.


i started this piece because in a matter of only a few minutes, talking on the phone to Reagan made me realize that im no longer a little girl. she's in the position that i wish i was still in. the thought of my "last" year in school honestly scares the shit out of me. i guess i just want Reags to know, that when life seems crazy, fast, and unbearable, there is always a place of sanity in your own heart.



To Reagan; please know that a little piece of me is ALWAYS with you. i'm sorry that i have been distant for the past few years, but i think you'll understand eventually that it only had to do with that "growing up" stage. i think about you everyday, and i have loved watching you grow up. i still remember the first time i met you, and the thick dark hair you had. the movie shrek always makes me think of you, and any freckle i see reminds me of your sweet sun kissed cheeks. i hope you know you mean the absolute world to me, i love you more than words can explain. Here's to a great 3rd grade/senior year!


dance, smile, and laugh everyday baby girl. let your heart fly :)

masterful.

i have been really convinced that i understand love. i have believed over and over that love is what you felt towards me. now...im only convinced that my heart doesn't feel right, and i only believe that love hurts. love hurts a lot.



being honest is something i have always been. i can say that pretty openly too, because i've confessed to bad, shameful things that i sometimes wish i could keep inside. guilt eats at me, terribly. and it has forced me to always, always say what i must in order to be true to the people i love. love isn't love when it involves lies. say what you need to say.

you've put guilt on me now, too. because now that the trust i have for you is gone...it seems like i question everything you do. if you can lie about silly stupid things, what's holding you back from lying about more? this is a question that just can't leave my head, was he honest before this, is he being more honest now, or will these lies remain until i finally stand up for myself and move on? i'd really like to ask you this..but unfortunately, your reply will become the new question.







a little girl at work was telling me all about her "tent camping" trip. she talked and talked and talked about playing with barbies in the woods, how her dad helped her cook a hot dog over the fire, and even about her using the bathroom in the woods. her cheeks got pink as she explained how she had to jump in the water after peeing on her leg, and even pinker when she mentioned that her mom hadn't come a long. "why?" i asked, knowing the story beyond her flushed cheeks had been slyly covered up for a reason. she told me that her mommmy and daddy didn't get a long that well. she told me about each of their houses, and when she got to see each of them. she then ripped off her left shoe, took off her sock, and spread her tiny toes that were coated in the brightest of purple polishes. "my dad is really good, isn't he?" she said.

i stood in awe. not over the polish, or the camping trip, or the neatest painted toes EVER. i stood in awe because Mercedes had nothing to hide from me. i didn't have to coax her secrets out, i didn't have to ask more than once about her family, she just put it out there. she was honest, about something she obviously didn't prefer to be honest about. i lovingly looked her in the eyes and told her i was really impressed at how mature she was for a 7 year old. and smiply, she replied.

"my dad told me that i shouldn't be embarrassed that my mom isn't always around. he says she works hard to make money in order for me to go to Saint Michaels, and even though her work has brought them apart, i should be proud to say my mom loves me enough to work more than she has to. i miss her a lot, but i always have my dad around. and he tells me i have her same freckled nose, which means she's really always with me."


she gave me so much hope. she showed me that the truth isn't there to be hidden, the truth is there to prove you are made of more than you think. be truthful, be honest, and show me your heart isn't cowardly.

pumpkin eater.

i looked back at the day and said; "what did you do to benefit anyone?"
nothing, absolutely nothing. tomorrow i will.


i french tipped my toes today, with a thin silver line.
i wrote a quick note to my cousin, made a sandwich for nick, and broke down a few boxes before i recycled them and continued to eat my cereal.
things aren't good right now. im not the person i used to be..and i wonder how i got here. i keep asking for more, and i've started realizing that i don't give enough.

im so ready to be more than myself.
i was going to bitch about the useless effect i have on things around me, but you know, im done being harsh. i promised a good friend that i'd start fresh tomorrow...but i'll start fresh now, just to avoid another personal lecture.
the real bone i'd like to pick, is with you.
you're getting pretty hard to be around, i'd like to be more than a 8 hour saturday shift to you.


...i felt them. and they were SO perfect. fluttering everywhere inside of me, they were real too. they lasted only awhile, i think other bellies needed a spark of happiness just like mine did. after they had gone i was still in a new place. not mad because they flew away, but anxious for more and delighted they chose my body to dance in for awhile.

for the first time in a long time, i realized i was more than what you make me.


"if a man lives a pure life, nothing can destroy him."
i'd like you to know that im done. you know what i mean? im not done with "this" or "us"....im just done with you. if this makes sense to you, you're the type of guy i want. smart, so make the change. if this doesn't make sense to you, halloween is really going to suck.

rear defrost.

it was the thinnest moment in time, when my heart stopped. something so dense, compacted into a small locket in my heart. or was it my throat, for the words i didn't say had gotten trapped behind it? im still not sure, i only know it was a brief second packed full of nothing and everything.

this interlude of desperateness overtook every thought in my mind, every movement of pre planned action, and every star from the sky.

then you swept in, and put every star back into place. life was perfect.
when i woke up, the stars had gone again.
but things were still okay...you told me that when the day turns to night, all of those glittering pieces of hope would return.







if life never gets bad, people never hurt, and shoulders go out into the real world with no purpose. purple is always a gloomy color, and pink just wouldn't be fun.

im happy i get sad. im happy i hurt, and blend, and over take. im happy im alive, mostly.
being dead would take away all of the blood that rushes to my cheeks when you're around, and belive me, that would be no good.


when i lay in bed at night, like now, i start thinking of all the ways i could change my life at any given moment. it's scary, really. im at this new place in life. like, what is control, and why is it on my shoulders now?
saying the wrong thing nearly makes my heart stop. but none the less, i've said a million words. im strong, smart, and i know someday ill feed and dress the precious bodies of two or three little energy balls. im going to own, negotiate, manage, and succeed. precise, that is what i'll be.

the connection here makes nearly no sense. you've relayed that message to me, and now things are becoming a little more clear. the water sits, but it's not nearly as murky as it has been before.
"you don't need to do that."

thank you. thank you.
FRESH, like the night sky after a long day.
you've put me back in my place, one star at a twinkling time.

wings and dandilions.

it's funny. in this moment, i feel so incredibly alive.

i finished a book today, felt hungry, ran, and painted my nails.
i watched a movie too. did i tell you the book was sad? because it was. i hurt for the little girl, i felt my heart wrap around her unfair life.

i used to wake up and feel a bit unworthy. unprotected, unloved, and cheated. i don't feel this way anymore, at least not much...or at least in unmeasurable amounts. i guess it was like my being judged every thought that entered my world, i would label each of them with an "unworthiness". i was aware of an imperfect person, i was aware of myself.
but then things started to change. i realized i was the center of a beautiful place. everything around me started to show a glimpse of imperfection...i accepted the unideal ways in which life tends to be. to doubt anything, is to stunt the growth of your dreams, visions, and ways. live with simply put goals: love, forever, and never missing a good Sunday morning cartoon.

if you want forever, start now.



im in a place of so many opportunities right now. more than ever, i have discovered things about myself. everyday i find something im pleased with about life. it's truly amazing to look at a panorama of your existance...whether what you see is good or bad, you're holding the camera. the next snap shot is yours, make it what you want.

this week, i have taken a few beautiful realizations with my panoramic mind set. tarot cards, kick ball, and marshmallow carpets. im ALIVE. like nothing i have been before, i am alive.

lies, and fairytales.

i kind of wonder when i'll catch on. wait..that's not right. i kind of wonder when i'll let go. let go of the lies, the shady parts, and the unworthiness.
i miss feeling good about things. i miss feeling attached and whole.


when it comes to the weather, im a simple girl. i like sun in the summer...but not too hot. i like coldness in the winter..but not too rainy. i like wanting more of you..but not feeling like i have nothing. what happened to love?

i talked to you again, and it was nice. we connect as if we are two of only one person. we mimic each other, and know the paths in which the other came. i feel relieved talking with you. my guard comes down and words spill out, everything spills, without hesitation from any part of my being. i wish i could find the you in me. i want to confide in myself, tell dreams of lust and wandering. but that piece is broken along with many others. you bring light and hope to some, but im beginning to think the others could be beyond repair.

you tell me to leave, and get out. but i can't. you accept that answer because you've been here. you know that either way i will hurt, deep.



i hate that i feel like a burden around the person i call home. i hate being put on the back burner, and being made less than i am. this game won't go on much longer, but please keep in mind you are losing with each wrong move. a good girl, one that loves you in crazy amounts. she's here..and you're pushing her away. to live a life of vanity will get you nowhere. to live a life of love will get you anywhere and give you everything. open up, breathe in, and remember who has been there to clean your cuts.

if life gives you lemons, love them. don't make them into something they're not.

composition.

i hate to sound anything like miley cyrus, but i can truly say my likes and hates about you are about even. of course the love i have overpowers any other feeling i hold, but still.
you drive me crazy.



i hope im not burning down the trust of others by deciding to give you another chance. i am mad, i am upset, i do feel betrayed. i love you. and sometimes loving someone means looking past the bumps and roadblocks they put in your way. you'd do the same for me, you have before.
we have the strangest way of connecting, but more than anything, it is quite obviously there. it's funny how the heart physically breaks when the person you love is emotionally and mentally distant in there own way. i think you've stepped up and proven to me that now is our time. we need to step up and do this, or back down and give up on games. im more than ready, and have been...but i am scared and a bit slow moving when it comes to just jumping in.

im too young to say that i want this to last forever, without someone saying "how ridiculous". but really, why can't it? i believe with every bone in my body that youngest love is the truest. you've been the only boy to steal my heart, and i'll do everything i can to keep my heart in it until the end. what is love without wanting forever?



-"are you thinking what im thinking?"
--"i don't know...what are you thinking?"
-"...tell me what your thinking first!"
--"i think we're thinking the same thing!"
-"well im thinking that i love you."
--"i love you too."



the world is a crazy, crazy place. i think that for one and other, we are just as crazy. you're my best friend, my right hand man, and the other half to my heart.


good days or bad days, i need you. i really hope you're in this for the long run.

unexplained.

it was a great moment. i found the piece of duct tape connected to a sheet, one shoved way back in our linen closest. i laughed, an honest laugh, one carried by a truthful smile. and then everything just clicked.

how ironic. that's the only thought my mind can consume right now. i found the last piece of you, the last happy memory i carry, at the exact moment i had realized that this is okay. this is all so scary and new..but it's really okay. our thoughts of each other are quite different. im upset, disappointed, and not willing to forgive. but i also have found some type of peace. some piece. both of those.





upon a fresh canvas, you really have no limits. i have decided to only make slow, bold, and reassuring strokes before i get caught up in more complicated painting techniques.


you can say what you want about loving me, but in my heart it holds no importance. love isn't shown through the actions, words, or lies you have presented me with. you know, i am lost and weak. but im also finding my way and becoming a lot more than i thought i could be.


we had fun that night, i really hope you won't forget it. i felt like a little kid again, not caring about wasting yards and yards of duct tape. i was only concerned about being able to see the tv and making our fort "walls" stay up. i couldn't help but laugh when a corner fell, or the tape shook loose. you would immediately freak, because you worked so hard on it...that and because you're just the type who doesn't like any type of silly set back. i was eager to wake up the next morning. i was so anxious to give you your easter basket, and to get a kiss goodbye.
life felt good that weekend.


and now, duct tape holds more than just objects together.
it keeps pieces of me together too.

serenity.

im sick. sick to the point of waiting for days to get done with. bedtime is heaven, bringing me fake realities to get swallowed up in. i wonder if this is what you wished for me.


i shot nerf bullets at my window for a solid ten minutes today. it's gross, knowing that the happiest part of my day was hearing the little foam cylinders un-suction from my glass view. im aware that you weren't happy. but why didn't you give me a heads up, or do it at a different time?

you pushed me down when i was already on my knees..i know i have hit the bottom.
i also know that i always get back up.




i can't sleep, eat, read, watch tv, or even take a bubble bath. my mind won't let me focus on anything but the continual breaking of my heart. im surprised i even have the energy to stay awake, i started the day with a long run and haven't eaten a thing. it's almost as though my body wants me to feel this pain...it could be reminding me why going back to you was a stupid idea. it's persuading me to never do it again.

sometime mid march you told me, "if we get back together, i'll treat you like royalty. it's going to be like we're married, because we're both over playing games." is this your way of winning which ever game you lost last time? i don't get it. i can't comprehend why you wasted even more of my time than you already have.



if you "prefer the truth"... why did you lie for so long?

fatality.

i've just accepted the fact that these next few days will be hell. not because you've made points that are unfair. not because you said words that were flat and harsh. only because the person i thought you were, has been nothing more than a wishful hallucination.
you're dead. we're dead. but me? i am SO alive.


this has given me a second wind. although i can't say i am happy, i am truly blessed to have fallen into a pit of open arms. yours aren't here, which is quite obvious. in reality, they have been absent for awhile...but i have chosen to play naive.
silly me...i've morphed the bad guy into some kind of "good".

i've got kiri. and paul and teague. kasey and eddie too. i wouldn't forget the fillo's. or dad and beau. your band of followers are nearly as shitty as you, but not quite. i wouldn't place such a label on them.
the humiliating thing i have to face now, is the fact that every single one of the people who love me, have warned me from the start. it's sad that my widowed grandma could tell you were a fuck up, she advised me to stay away from your sorry ass.
guess i should have used those words to find a way out.



you know what's really hott? when a guy is decent and has a head that holds some percentage of a brain.
have a mentioned you are beyond unattractive?

la-la-la-lowlife.

i take back all the i love yous, all the midnight phone calls, and all of the days spent napping in your bed. i take back the dinners i made you, the inside jokes we have, and all of the gallons of gas i wasted. gas used, at $4.07 a gallon, only to get to the lowest, most incredibly self centered person i have ever loved.

im sorry for holding you back and for being something you didn't want.
as much as im sorry for you, i am a million times more sorry for myself. parts of my heart are now with you. i regret giving them up, because now these pieces of me have to sit in that cold place you refer to as your heart.
why did you lie and say i could always count on you?
why did you wait so long for me, because i was not yet ready?
why did you fake your love, and leave me in this confused place?
why did you become someone i am now embarrassed to have ever called mine?


i usually split my writing up. i talk about this and that, addressing two or three subjects in one piece of writing. but tonight, i find myself unable to think about anything more than the reality i face, one i didn't see myself facing so soon.

im in awe at your transformation, confused by this new view, and taken aback by the cruel words and ideas you have left for me to rake through.


i wonder if you feel like a winner, or if you even care. i wonder if you'll lie to cover up the shittiness you have created. i wonder if you'll care that i have moved on,
not emotionally, for the mending of my heart is beyond quick repair. more so mentally, because i know without you..i will be better off. i will be so much more than i have ever been before, because the presence of you only makes me small, insecure, and unimportant. are you proud of the impact you had on me?


angry people don't enhance the happiness of others. selfish people make situations worse for those in need. huge egos take up so much space, that room for conversation is minute.

im happy you showed your true colors.
you are a a true, worthless, piece of shit.

fresh love.

life is nothing more than a hilarious string of events. i was never meant to be here, never meant to feel the things i have felt. but i am, and i have. i've loved, cried, been wrong, proved right, fallen, jumped, lost, been consumed, and won.

most importantly, i have created. i have experienced the making of me, and the battle of being something not everyone approves of.

finding you was the purest breath of fresh air. being with you reminds me why a clean room feels nice, why girls paint their nails, and why flannel sheets are perfection after a long day.
it's simple. love is finding perfection in minute things.
which is kind of a pun, because you're pretty minute yourself.



i like knowing that life is unstable. what is the fun of waking up everyday and drawing only between the lines? kick back, breath slow, and screw the teachers who say, "four on the floor". there is absolutely no fun when it comes to sitting through the educational process, so use your chair skills to enhance your entertainment.

nothing and everything, that is what you have brought to me. a huge panoramic view of such a sweet and simple scene. life is good, short, and inevitably yours. so grab it by the tail, and go.

to me, life is nothing without the stars, the sun, the moon, and you.
always make your pancakes small, they flip so much easier.

snuggle up.

you know, i don't feel bad anymore about the things i've said. im glad you've learned to look into what makes me tick, and explore that. the side of me opposite of you might be hard to dig through, and i fully understand that. you really do keep my heart beating, and nothing has excited me in a more "tingly" way. i honestly do feel your smile make its way up my spine, even though such a smile is so rare.
those are the things i love so completely about you, your rarities.

on sunny days i truly find nothing in myself to love. im selfishly stubborn, undoubtedly insecure, and have days when im hell to be around. im a princess in every single way, if the world doesn't revolve around me..life may get tough for you.
luckily, sunny days are fewer than rainy days.



when it comes to thinking about life after all of this, i go insane with pleasure. i know we'll have it made, and i know you want every desire i chase just the same. will we still make forts and sleep in them? will we hide behind walls to scare each other? and will saying "i love you more" leave us going to bed wrapped up in contentment?
i hope so. i hope with every bone in my body that the best parts of us remain.
i want to wake up when we're 85, and still laugh at the way i wrap myself around you when we sleep.

i don't want diamonds, jewels, or silk sheets.
i only want you, and classy brown bottled beer.

security.

it scares me to finally understand what brings you happiness, and peace of mind. things that will mean nothing years from now, things that immature minds hold as expectations. you make me question your place in my life. are you here to appreciate what we have and what we've been through, or are you here to skate around the truth in order to maintain a little power and stability?

i wish you could feel the way i love you, because i know you don't.


life is starting to catch up with me, finally. it feels so good to be productive and comfortable sitting at the end of the day. i always doubt myself, and im starting to realize that doubting is the only thing to set me back. i have to jump, run, sacrafice, and get motivated. which has undoubtedly been a relationship of mine that continues to strain. im gaining mileage though, and im here to do work.
sometimes you have to figure out a way around your stressers. make a list, what CAN you control? your reactions, your ambitions, your ways of approaching problems. what CAN'T you control? people's feelings, the weather, how fast your breakfast cooks.
control what you can, and accept what you can not. life is as simple as you make it.

if i could have any super power, it wouldn't be to fly or read minds.
i can use a plane, and i could care less what the perverts around me are thinking at any given moment.
if i could have a super power, i would want the ability to pick up any given talent at any moment in time. i only say this because being able to play the guitar right now would be really nice. until then, i guess i'll learn to strum the hard way..

handfuls.

it's scary to me, looking directly at you. a face that i have known for so long, but a heart i have chosen not to dig into. i was selfish not to. i am sad to hear echoes of my past words, knowing i knew nothing more than what i saw, and wished to believe. i am sorry for that, i show remorse for not only you, but me also. because i have struggled so long without having a shoulder. little did i know, you could be mine. and i want to be yours.

a heart left unexplored, a heart with a matching beat to mine. i am sorry.

if fairytales were real, i would write my own and live it. i wouldn't want a castle, long blonde hair, or an animal to talk to. just an overdose of the simple, weekly things i have now.
i'd want p!nk and taylor swift music constantly in the background, i'd want my dad's funny "lines" every five minutes, and i'd want my feet rubbed every night before bed.
i'd throw you in there too, but i'd change a few things. i'd need you to sincerely love me, deep down, the way you used to.


i rocked a baby to sleep today, and it made me feel whole. i sang in the car, and it made me feel free. i thought about myself several times, and each time it made me feel unloved, doubted, and not worthy. i talked to you once. well no, i texted you once.
and for the first time in weeks, i felt determined, happy, and cared about.

i sure do wish fairytales held some truth, though. life would be great, especially if whoever was rubbing my feet used Victoria's Secret, "merry vanilla twilight". im not into perfectness, whatsoever. i love that my pinky's have a curve, that my heart is addictive, and that i get annoying, yet still ask millions of questions about things i'd like to know. im not looking for perfect, or anything close to it. im asking for you to look past what you see. listen to my questions, make me laugh, enjoy my company. and if you can't do that..then let me go so i can breathe.
let go so i can feel unbroken again.

ribbons and bows.

i know it shouldn't be this way, but it certainly is. i've become twisted, stuck, and immobile. i keep having debates in my head; learn to be independent and happy, or stay confined in the sad, insecure place that you've been in. it should be an easy decision, right?

wrong. you ARE my happy. you ARE my sad.

i kind of like the whole, realistic and sad prospective on life. in some ways it provides a happy feeling too, just knowing im not caught up in an unreal thought. im obvious, blunt, and determined. im not lost where you would like me to be, in a place of non gravity, and idealism. im afraid because of you and this mind you have forced me to create, my heart is turning cold in some places. but im keeping my head above water, you can suck me into whatever deep sea you'd like, but i'll never sink deep enough to be unsuccessful. but stop continuously pulling me down, i don't like the thought of that.
i hate more the thought of you moving on, new places, slamming doors, and forgotten sundays.



i'll get to the place where i need to be, and then you'll be the one with cold spots. i know you'll regret this...and i will most likely love the idea of your new found fascination. i used to believe you were the witty type, maybe even one to catch on rather quickly. but, as i see you bathing in your moment of light, i now figure differently. enjoy your warmth now, because it's my turn to step out of the shade.


why can't we go back to last april? when the weather wasn't the shit it's been this year, and when your head was actually screwed onto your body. you're so high, it's making my stomach do back flips.

pull away, let go of him. that wasn't even me.

tea lights.

i woke up today with that perfect sunny, sweet feeling. like, why am i so blessed to be here? what has entitled me such a picture perfect morning?...the sun slowly creeping through the curtains that hang overhead. and you, rough around the edges, but a perfect fit into the locket of my life.

you fit. and we're standing here, together.
i think our baggage makes us special. we'll have stories, but more importantly, each other.


i wonder if my brother remembers dancing in the living room like i do, or playing with the napier's in the backyard. does he remember being santa at grammy's house on christmas eve? does he remember playing uno with dad before getting taken to school?
he remembers, i know he does. but does he miss it as much as i do?
he probably thinks im a nut job relating us so closely, but that's what he is to me.
the better, stronger, more optimistic version of myself. and i am so curious to know his fears, only because i make mine an open topic, and he does not.


simple things send me to my knees. i have become so caught up in life, that at times, i am weaker than anyone should be. i am unwilling to admit that my youth plays a strong part in how i've been acting, i wish to hold more of a consistent bad ass attitude, but it's not me. i am a pale blue, not a vibrant red. i guess today will be the day to accept my weakness, and grow strong. i only say this because writing is what has brought such an insecure thought to my mind. annie, you are not bulletproof.
you are not today. but tomorrow, and for the rest of eternity, you will be.
bulletproof.

psalm.

i hope you're not sad that i've given up on you. let me rephrase that..i hope you can understand why i have given up on you. so many doors slammed in my face, and i've become unwilling to knock anymore. you're my reflection and my peace keeper, or at least you were. im only giving up because i want you back. and this clearly isn't you.


if there is such thing as a "god", then why do such shitty things happen throughout the span of someones existence? why has it been necessary for me to feel pain, jealousy, confusion, and heartbreak? why can i aimlessly hope for a better tomorrow, and wind up in a dark state of mind after endless happy thoughts? im tired of saving myself. i hope this tiredness doesn't take over too much of me, because im afraid of letting go. im afraid of falling into the empty space so many people do fall into. i wish there was some higher power, but im smart enough to give up on that thought. smart enough not to rely on angel wings and lost prayers to catch me.

i get annoyed with the people who push things into my lap. give me a few solid facts and i'll listen, until then, keep your shit to yourself.


im willing to explore, be wrong, and stand up for myself in order to believe in something. i laugh at the situations that "change" peoples mindsets, because for me, these situations only make my assumptions on life a little more concrete. i love the thought of having a faith, but why can't i just have faith in myself? i'll blame my problems on me, congratulate my personal achievements, and smile over the small things in life that prove to me i am so incredibly alive, and free to take deep breaths.

i don't need an explanation as to why im here. i don't need a thick book of super thin paper to tell me how to think and what to pray to. i need simplicity, and a happy mind.

coffee, smiling people, and music.
and a sprinkle of faith.. but only in myself.

the price you pay.

our stages make me laugh, we are such a terrible pair. i find a smile in the fact we are so incompatible more than anything. you can make me laugh, and i can make you smile..but we are nowhere near that "puzzle fit" place. i wonder if we have ever been in love at the same time? you know, the way it is actually suppose to work. i fall head over heels winter and spring, but you seem to trip summer and fall.

it's not that we don't love each other. we just have our seasons of infatuations. again, this is alllll fine to me. you know how to love when i need you, and i know how to run with you when you want to escape.

i only get sad over one thing. and that's when you become stubborn about showing me how you feel. i beat myself up about how i could do better, even though i know this is just how you are. i guess it's a sad thought too, because i wouldn't let it fly with anyone else. im crossing my fingers this is only a stage, because i want the solid you back...the 'you' that wouldn't dare make me feel bad about myself. the 'you' that loved me from my crown to my pedicured toes.


on a happier note, i look forward to mini monkeys, jeeps, babies, and a big bed. oaklee and sam, do you remember?
while im here, i'll let it all out. because as far as im concerned, it is 1 am, and now officially monday. i live for new days.
i live for a lot, but lately i've noticed i live for everything but me. today that changes.


i hope that you don't think you have won or determined any medal when i say this. although it is true i may not hold the boldest fight here, i promise you won't find anyone willing to risk more.
im strong and independent, and i can guarantee a thought of regret in your mind if you don't listen to your heart.
treat others the way you want to be treated.

im getting there, i am. and it's such a good feeling.

a bruised sky.

it takes way to long to figure out that in order to be happy, you have to enjoy the things you normally wouldn't. cold days are always good with a cup of tea, and letting go always gives you the chance to grab onto something else.
i hope looking at me makes you smile, i hope an apple a day really does keep the doctor away, and i hope more than anything else something incredible comes from this..because a lot of the time, i don't think even a good thing will. im willing to waste my time on anything that helps me sleep easier, thats why im glad that good people are in my life. im glad that scratch and sniff stickers were invented, and im glad that clicking down a jumble of nonsense words doesn't waste paper.
most of all, im glad that im here. and so are you.



p.s.- this is the best secret i have ever kept.

one fine wire.

maybe it's because the things that seem out of reach are realistically SO attainable. i don't know. i guess im not the one to ask. what i can tell you, is that i have fallen down, given up, and walked away from way to many opportunities to turn around now. and im not going to stand here feeling lonely, that's a waste of time.

this is your official chance to let go. i promise to be here whenever you need me. kinda like a good book. just walk away from worries and escape for awhile..ya know? but before you make any sudden decisions, think of me. whether it's my bitchy monday morning moods, or my messy summer hair that went hand in hand with chipped nail polish. there isn't a single doubt in my mind that somewhere along the line, this will all seem to break apart and go exactly how i don't want it to. i guess that's the beauty of most everything in life..excepting the shit that comes out of something you worked really hard for. funny how that goes, isn't it?

life is life. and everyday i feel like another 'exception' of another 'rule' is created. i have broken my own personal trust one two many times. this time is different though, because it's a two way promise. im here as long as you can think of me. im hoping thats not to much of a problem.
because the thought of being on your mind puts me in good place.



thank you for dawn dish soap, jogging playlists, nike thug shorts, and sleepless nights. i wouldn't want to forget to mention marshmallows, sugar coated. that's how it goes.

your web.

i go through these completely random stages of thinking. like i almost want to confuse myself, and just make life a tad bit harder. im never sure what i want, i don't tend to set a goal and reach it, but rather run in one direction..only to find myself turning towards a new destination within minutes of setting off. im starting to realize this is how i am, and most likely not a stage. and maybe thats okay, to just except a new destination, a new way of thinking, and a new place, all at a moments notice. in some sense it's my way of feeling in control, to be able to navigate the simple things i can. pressing cancel on the toaster, mid-toast. wearing flip flops on a shitty weather day. writing a letter with no intention of sending it. and turning to you, once again, even though a million sacrifices on my part won't change a single thing.

i have decided to rely solely on myslef to feel content. and if that means giving up on unscrambling the ridiculously challenging puzzle i refer to as 'you'.. then maybe i will. once again, i have started running. im smart enough to know that this won't last long of course. when running is caused by symptoms of you, i usually turn around before i get the chance to break a sweat.
here i am again. running and ending up somewhere crazy. i guess i can deal with crazy, but only if dealing with crazy means dealing with you.

im going to dedicate this one to second hand calories, the way kasey keeps me sain, and 'fucking animals'. i might as well throw in innocence and whatever the opposite of innocence is.

catch-up or ketchup.

it's two freckles past a hair. and im stuck fumbling through the crazy mess i've fallen into. when all else fails, i have me. it's taken me countless attempts to figure out something so childish and blunt. i like the swerves in the road that send me in new directions, and the coffee stains that block out my previously planned route. i've decided not to buy ahead, over pack, or even bring a first aid kit. this time, i'll jump long before thinking twice.
i'll jump long before thinking at all.



who's to say that being right is such a good thing? picking up the pieces always leaves you looking back and smiling at the end result, even if it comes hand in hand with a paper cut or two. a closed door gives you a good reason to undo your bobby pin, shake your hair loose, and pick a lock. and being the last in line gives you five more minutes to complain about something less important than yourself.
im letting go now, because i know that you've already won. i won't tell myself anything that isn't true. doing so only leaves me with high hopes, a lost victory, and another failed attempt at making my way out of here. im not happy with the way things went. but im determined to make any ending a good one. you are the pieces that i need to pick up. i'll try and make sense out of every thing else as i go. one by one, the picture will come together. before getting too far, i'll remind myself to step back.
then, it's simple.

i'll cross my fingers and jump.

something more.

i like walking in the cold to get to where you are. and laughing at everything that shouldn't be funny. the way your excuses can't fit your story, and how after all of this..you find a way back to me. always.

do you think that fate puts every person in your path, every problem in the way of your destination, and every twist in your horoscope? im lost for words at how completely seamless my story is this time. i've never been one to fully embrace the "everything happens for a reason" theory. i guess you throw a rock into the water expecting perfect rivets to form around it, but what if just once they don't look so perfect? do you fish the rock out of the pond and toss it again, just to get the circles you were expecting?
im overjoyed with where i stand in my life. i have amazing people around me, atleast three unscratched family guy seasons worth of dvds, and warm brown sugar scented candles that never fail to make me love winter.
being this content is impossible to perceive through clouded eyes. getting stuck in a rut only makes you want to re-do the past moments to rid you of an issue. but when taking back a breathe takes back more than just mistakes, ask yourself if an erased scuff mark is worth the loss of anything more than just that.

i want everything to "happen for a reason"
i want to look back someday and realize that all my troubles were worth it in the end.
im ready to enjoy simple laughter, your knock at my door, and a lost kiss.
im ready for frozen fingertips and maybe a few excuses too.
because after all of this, you find a way back to me.
always.

knock, knock.

well, i heard the click. after struggling with the same door jam for so long, the sound of a twisting lock is so reassuring. im onto my next task now.

what did i learn from this? good question. because besides the continuous reminder of wasted time, nothing has shown as a 'break through' of any sort. i guess i'll keep swinging, missing, and stepping up again. i've found that im a lot better at striking out than doing much else. i can't complain though. things have been fun, and im starting to perfect my swing. that way, when the time comes..i'll get a good whack at whatever it is im hitting.
i have a hard time listening, i can say for sure this is one thing i have learned about myself. i don't like believing anything unless i see light at the end of the tunnel, a turning point, or grass thats a tad bit greener. i always hear what you say, disregard the things i don't like thinking true, crash, and then wind up slowly retracing my steps to the exact time the words came off your lips. im a mess. and im glad that you've been here to remind me that being this way is exceptable, and part of the reason you love me. i guess when someone is made up of qualities that don't quite fit the bill, that's just what happens. you fall for everything that is so un-perfect about them.

it's funny to me how shook up i thought i would be about all of this. closing, locking up, and moving on is a scary thought. i know that im confident with where i stand. im confident with who i have. and im more than confident about every mistake leading up to this. please don't think your actions have caused anything more than hurtles for me to jump. with every situation i've faced, i've been knocked down only to pull myself back up. this time will be no different, i may have an unpredictable success rate, but im a pretty strong girl.

water color skies.

i'd love to tell you exactly how i feel. i know that once my thoughts fall into place, they would look so perfect aligned into the seams of our story. they might create tension in places, ease misconceptions in others, and uniquely tie the paths of you and me together. but i should be realistic. my feelings are nowhere close to falling into place, and telling you that easily would make everything seem cheap, and unworthy. life has it's shitty qualities, and i can promise you over and over that i have never come close to considering you one. we're a perfect puzzle, and i've spent a healthy amount of time putting our pieces together.
pinky promise, no crosses count.


someone once told me that when a penny hits the bottom of a well, it disappears. your hope consumes the small copper circle, and your wish comes true. believing in such an illusion might make some people turn and laugh. but if i can't consider this penny possibility true, what other household items will you allow me to connect my wishes to and toss over the brick edging of a well?
lost amidst our wishes are a small piece of oneself, a corner of reality, and a belief that one day we will hold onto something that is now far out of our reach.
i want to believe that my desires still ride on those shooting stars, still blink with the neon green numbers of 11:11, and continue to fly away with each sweet dandelion parachute.


i think i've decided to grab hold of a dandelion too, and fly somewhere nice.
i'd love to see the bright colors of somewhere tropical.

but even more so, i'd enjoy flying straight into the arms of you.

mix n' match.

im not sure what brought the tears. it was either reading your old notes, or realizing that you didn't leave them anymore. i guess you can't expect for someone to simply remain the same, but i thought that i might at least find a few stray bits and pieces of something i used to know.

i think i have decided to stay the same. just in case you ever need me, and find yourself digging for those pieces of the person you used to know. those pieces. the ones of you that im still hopelessly searching for.
i'd like for everything to go just right. acknowldegement, happiness, and a small taste of something im not used to. you might even drop by to remind me how wonderful you are.
yes, that'd be perfect.
but im not the perfect type, and it's obvious the life i live isn't either.
a girl can dream though, can't she?



should i be worried that im still completely hung up you, no matter how many times i openly deny it? should i keep pretending that i don't think about you now and then, and wonder what your up to? i usually have a pretty good idea. i know the things you like and the way you are. and strangely enough, your the one person who has been completely reliable. thats what i like. your ability to be so 'down to earth'. the way you make a confusing idea seem so simple. and the way, even after all this time, you make it nearly impossible for me to go a day without thinking about how things used to be. actually, the way i used to be.
im not giving in yet. i've got too much going for me.
perfect isn't all it's cracked up to be, thank god.

cheers to the dream ring, a good weekend, twurtles, and me. that's right, me.

candy lips.

it's funny how life throws everything at you. good or bad, things come exactly as they should. whether you expect them or not, they arrive. and i thank life again and again for throwing me you. curve ball? yes. but this time i wasn't fooled, a stepped into the pitch and finally hit something solid.


pistacios are the most disgusting creation god made. im sure of it. but i still manage to crack a smile whenever i see a bag, and always consider throwing them in the cart.
now i find myself having a hard time writing with a smile. im not used to it, not at all. it's alright for me to be positive, im just a little nervous at the moment. because i had no clue this would happen, and now im confused with what i should expect. maybe i shouldn't expect. that would do the trick, you were the best suprise i've had in awhile anyways. lets end with the same happy note we started on, la de dumm dee doo. annie's a happy girl, and life is spectacular.


$7 shoes, canceled wrestling tournaments, and your sweet concerns. im completely head over heels, in love with my life.

changes and candybars.

i'd love to think that you will someday come around. but you won't..and i need to find a way to be okay with that. people change, i've changed. and you were not the first one to point that out. i won't lie and say the things you've said haven't impacted me, made me think, and put my thoughts in a new frame of mind. but i will lie and say that the things you said didn't hurt me, because it's still hard for me to come to terms with the fact that everything you have thrown at me so far has had a taste of truth to it.


i like who i am. who i've become. that doesn't mean i don't miss parts of who i was, who we were, and the things we did. memories are at the top of my list of my favorite things. im glad your tangled into them somewhere.

yoga should be fun. im ready to be in a new position. twisted into some crazy thought process that will put my mind at ease. pretzel, criss cross applesauce, the "crane". maybe i'll try it hot. maybe not. your truth doesn't sit well with me anymore, it definitely left a bad aftertaste. so tell me what your wanting from all of this..a new story to whisper throughout the ears that will listen? or are you truly honestly worried? im looking for answers in all the wrong places. i could just be ignoring the things i don't want to hear, or maybe for once im right about something. i haven't checked the roof yet, or in front of the bathroom mirror. i skipped the trailer and the little store just down your street. im not ready to say goodbye.

tucked into my box are candy bars, tar-tar, and coffee creamer. those were always the things that made you smile. i need you.

the same thing.

things fall apart so you can put them back together. you've been distant for so long, and im trying my hardest to build something back up. it's just not there. we've got our backs turned on each other, pulling in opposite directions. i have to let go in order to hang on to anything.


it seems that the moment i get what i want, my mind changes. im not used to this, it's completely new to me. and you have the hardest time understanding that. tell me, what is love and why do you say i can't feel it? im well aware of the bitterness here. i know what goes on. but guilt can't make up my mind. i've told you before im stronger than that..and you know better than anyone that every word off of my lips contains a bit of truth.

in order to acheive anything, you have to except risk. you were mine..this is mine.

on the doormat of reality your welcomed with many hardships that come hand in hand with only a few moments of bliss. it's all worth it. reality, that is. you have to live in the moment and just be okay with shittiness sometimes. im knocking at the door, and i know it's gonna open. im nervous, don't get me wrong, but this new begining is long overdue. being sheltered is great until that roof seems to vanish. sugar tastes sweet until your fingers become sticky. and love seems perfect until your left with a lock, but no key.

life's here! i gotta keep livin' it.

skipping & falling.

ring a round the rosie, pocket full of posies. ashes, ashes, we all fall down.


i don't get annoyed that your here again. i love the little tune you leave behind once you go, and the way we're so casual with everything. i like it when you laugh at me and get me to try new things. i like how it's string-less. im free, and so are you.

i expected a different feeling..something more along the lines of a goodbye. but no matter how far away you are, a piece of me will always be with you. there's never been a linking of chains. no strings, bindings, or crosses of the heart. that doesn't mean thoughts of you don't linger around when im aimlessly thinking, or that certain songs don't make me wish we could have been more.
you should have woken up at eleven. you should have been more eager. you should have had rosy cheeks in the parking lot. i feel like you left it all up to me and that's probably because you did. you'll do it again, im sure.
and so will i.
sometimes i don't know what to think of myself. im running around in circles over nothing, but over everything all at the same time. i can't be someone i'm not. i can try to tell myself that this is all just a waste of time. but my heart knows differently.



you don't feel the same. you don't care. but i'm caught up, once again, in your web. hopefully that 'clean slate' feeling will slowly set in. i doubt it though. after all this time, two things remain the same. you make everything feel right. and somehow everything is still wrong.

fool's gold.

maybe im a fool for believing everything the night sky tells me. sometimes when making decisions gets hard, that's what i do. rely on the unreliable.
it's not completely my fault though. once you've jumped on a shooting star, the world is spinning too damn fast around you to find some stable ground. i thought climbing on board would take me somewhere new and exciting, because that's how it's suppose to be. life, you know? new exciting fun bright fresh and brilliant.

you can't make the sour parts sweet. and it's a waste of time trying to force that smile. what you see is what you get, don't tip toe around the negative to create a prettier picture.

as of this moment, i can't sort out the good and bad. i want so much of the things i can't have, im stubborn, confused, and could easily see myself crying over the decision of fruit loops or cocoa puffs. at the same time..i've figured a lot out about myself. im independent, happy, generous, creative, and know way too much about how to incorporate cuss words in an appropriate manner. maybe im a mess in every sense of the word, maybe im a bitch when it comes to a few sensitive subjects, but maybe im exactly what you need? maybe we could share that bowl of fruit loops?

i guess the only way out of this situation is to enjoy the ride.
whether or not my decision was right, i made it.
i'll take a few pictures, smell the roses, and bring you back a shitty souvenier.